Ethnic Fetishes and the "E" word

I came across a rather interesting article from Brown Girl Magazine about "brown fetishes".  I'm not sure when it was written, but the comments go back to April 2011 so it's at least that old.

The article focuses on two issues: one is how South Asian actresses are used in Hollywood ("brown girl" roles and "attractive girl" roles), and the other is on the use of the word "exotic" to describe South Asian women.

I'm not going to comment on typecasting.  That tactic is as old as Hollywood.  Actually probably as old as professional acting.  That's just the superficial world of Hollywood.  It doesn't just affect Indian women either; just ask John Goodman or James Gandolfini about the variety of roles they've been offered over the course of their careers.

I do want to get at the "exotic" issue though.  Though I am a white male with an admitted "fetish" or preference for brown girls, I've never used the word "exotic" to describe brown women.  I first heard the world back in high school when someone was describing this extremely attractive Iranian/Persian girl I was interested in.  I always thought it was strange; "exotic" to me was jungles, tropical islands, the wilderness, a general lack of civilization.  Since then, I understand what people mean when they use that phrase to describe a woman, though I don't use the term myself.  I understand why it's offensive, there's nothing more "exotic" about being South Asian (or Middle Eastern or South American, etc.) vs being Caucasian or any other ethnic group.  I totally get all of that.

That being said, some of the comments under the article were a little off track.  One poster took offense to someone saying her name was "beautiful" and how would someone with a regular English name feel if she said that to them.  I say this as someone with a huge interest in etymology and linguistics: I'd probably say that to someone and I'd ask them what their name means.  That stuff interests me, it just does.  It disappoints me that so many people with those "regular" names don't know the meaning of their name.  I know the meaning of my name, and it's interesting.  I'd be happy to share that with someone and be happy if they said my name was beautiful or handsome.

The crux of the issue to me is this: some people are uncomfortable with people having a "thing" for people like them.  Doesn't matter if that "thing" is firefighters, virgins, South Asians, Jewish girls, fat women, etc.  It just feels like it diminishes you as a person because the other person just sees you as a member of some arbitrary (and often superficial) group.  Now, I get all of that too.  And it would annoy me too if some woman only wanted to date me so she could "corrupt me" or "fuck the innocent out of me" or something along those lines.  But, I still have a thing for brown women, and I don't think that will change.

I like brown women because they have nice looks.  I don't care if they're "exotic" or not (I already explained why that term is nonsense).  Their skin tone, hair, cultural history (real cultural history not Orientalist bullshit; I actually like hearing about the Rajputs or the Mughal dynasty or even mundane stuff...really), even accents are sexy to me.  I'm sure on the last one some women might be offended by hey, how many chicks go ga-ga over a guy with a British or Australian accent?  Sorry brown girls, you're just too attractive and too cool for me to say no.

So, here's to all you brown girls (or any other type of girl not covered): some guys just like your looks and personality and culture.  You can be interested in our looks and cultural history too if you want.  I won't be offended if you won't be.

Slut-Shaming?

This is a term that's kind of thrown around in feminist circles.  It refers to the practice of making women feel inferior for experimenting or behaving sexually in a way that defies traditional gender norms.  In essence, if you call women who sleep with a guy on the first date a slut but laud a man for sleeping with a woman on the first date, you are "slut shaming".

Now, I get that.  Women don't want to be called out for something that men can not only get away with, but are often celebrated for.  No one like rampant hypocrisy.  But, what if you "slut shame" both genders equally?  Is that still sexist?

To me I think there is behavior that one can honestly and objectively call "slutty".  People who are promiscuous (and I'm not talking about that one time you got drunk and hooked up at a party in college) are sluts.  It's a fact of life.  Sorry.  It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman.  I don't think it's a good idea for people to be cavalier like that in their sex lives.  I don't think there's any problem with judging people for their sexual behavior.  As long as I'm willing to dish out evenly to both sexes, what's the big deal?

Anyone have any thoughts?  Agree?  Disagree?

An Update of Sorts

I've gotten two comments on my things that limit you post.  Both commenters suggested I get a job and move out (with a roommate if necessary).  So I'd like to lay out exactly where I am with all of this.

In the spring of 2012 I was given a tremendous opportunity by a friend of mine.  He wants to start a business  that essentially caters to my skill set.  He's lined up two sponsors so far and we've got a lot of the basics up and running.  It's a great opportunity in the sense that I'd be immediately be in a senior position with creative input and schedule flexibility, seniority, etc.

Here's the problem: we're not profitable right now.  We might never be.  I have to essentially treat it as a full time job in the meantime though if we want a chance at success.  It might be a year or even two years before we make any kind of serious money (if we ever do).  Yes, in the meantime I can get a part time job to bring in some money but if I try to seriously make a go of this business it's going to take some time and patience.  I'm not exactly sure I can wait that long to get my first kiss, first sex, etc.  Maybe I can, but I think I'm already going insane.

So here's the rub: do I commit myself to this without any guarantee it will work out?  What if in two years I'm a 27 year old guy without any full time work experience or (for the purposes of this blog) relationship experience?  While I'm trying to make this work do I forget about dating and women?

I really do want this business to work, and I really think it can.  It's just going to take some hard work and some time.  But I'm torn.  I see women when I'm out in the store or running errands and I feel bad.

So I don't know.  I guess I'm stuck.

Bitterness, Etc.

I think I've reached a point in life where I don't have the will to keep trying at dating and relationships.  Some of this is due to bitterness, and some of this is because I just don't have confidence in myself.

First I'll tackle the bitterness.

I anonymously follow a few blogs written by women, some of whom I know, some of whom I don't know, I just stumbled upon their blogs on random google searches on various topics.  I also poke around dating sites from time to time.  On both of these platforms I constantly see statements like "all I want is a nice guy" or "I hate being single" or "POF is full of creeps", or some variation of these statements.  And all I can do is think to myself "bullshit, you want a guy who is nice but is also everything else you dream of in the world".  A "gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets" so to speak.  This faux victim status these women want to claim that essentially dating is oh so hard for women but a walk in the park for men (something I'm sure comes from listening to too many Taylor Swift songs) makes me resent them.  And it makes me bitter.

I also feel not good enough.  Partly this has to do with looks: I'm balding, and still out of shape (even though I'm in much better shape than I was 6 weeks ago), not exceptionally tall (I'm above average though), and I wear glasses.  But it's also more than that.  I'm light years from being self-sufficient (still living at home, still sharing a room with my brother), I drive an old non-fancy car (that still runs great and that I love), and probably most importantly I'm completely inexperienced at dating, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc.  I have no idea how to act as a boyfriend, no idea how to turn women on, how to have good sex.  None of that.  I feel like any relationship I'd get into would be a total train wreck.  Not just that, but a train wreck in which I'd have to constantly prove myself to the other person.  I'm not good enough, so I have to prove it to women.

I also fear that I'll end up marrying the first person who ever agrees to date me longer than a month.  And I'll end up being miserable because she'll be a total mismatch with me, etc.  And I guess a big part of me feels cheated.  I never had that cool college experience (though I admit I had a fun time) you know where you meet a sweet girl and you go to movies or ball games or dinners out.  I feel like that's a big part of why I haven't been able to grow up.  I feel like a younger man emotionally, and I can't grow up.

I don't know, it sounds like I'm rambling.  And I kind of am.  I just want to get these thoughts out there and I don't feel like editing today.