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I got a lot of flak last time I tried to write a post with some perspective in it.  People who thought I was needlessly negative or in a hurry to grow up or something.  But it needed to be written, just to get it out there.  

I am at a point in my life where most of my friends are getting married, having children, or getting into relationships.  I can go down my Facebook friends list and tell you as much.  It isn't so much that everyone else is doing it so I should too, it's more like, I'm at that age where you begin to lose single friends to do stuff with.  And it's weird because a lot of these people are the people you'd least expect.  But here we are.

So today I'm off of work, and really have nothing to do except some minor errands I need to run.  I'm browsing the online dating sites, namely Okcupid and Match.com.  But why bother?  Sure I paid for Match so I might as well use it, but except for the break I took from April to mid-June, I've been on the site since last September and I've got (in the words of Jim Mora) "diddly poo" to show for it.  Same with Okcupid, except I've been on there longer with only marginally better results.  My messages always go without a reply, and lately on Okcupid not even a profile view.  These are people with whom I have things in common!  Getting together for a date or a meetup should be easy, but I can't even get them to chat with me over internet messages.  

I don't meet women offline anymore.  Something that happens when you combine friends settling down with graduating college.  The stream of single people coming into your life dwindles.  Not that I was very good at talking to or attracting women when I was meeting them regularly.  As far as I'm aware, attraction has always been a one way street for me.  

It's why I haven't cut "Becky" out of my life, even though continuing to interact with her is most likely bad for my mental health.  She's the only woman who bothers to talk to me anymore.  

I read a post on a blog I read about the Friendzone.  And you know, I've pretty much never been in the Friendzone.  I never get to that point.  Women usually ditch me well before we ever get to that stage.  It's like it's that bad that I don't even have that problem.  99 problems but the friendzone isn't one.  

Now this is why I'm fairly pessimistic about my chances with women.  I've been in the world, there is no cavalry charging up the hill.  I'm not going to message some girl on a dating site and meet up with her and end up dating her.  "Becky" and I aren't going to live happily ever after.  It's just not going to happen.  If it was, it would have happened already.  

Look, if you feel differently, please let me know why.  Don't give me some bullshit though.  Don't comment on here saying "there's a girl out there for you, just be patient", or some variation thereof.  I've heard it before.  I've heard the line about women being just as self-conscious around men as men are.  And maybe that's true, but they're not self-conscious around me.  

Just once in my life I'd like someone to feel the same about me as I do about them.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life messaging girls on dating sites hoping that maybe, just maybe one of them will tolerate me long enough to date me.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life quietly resenting the happy couples I see out and about.  I want to actually be in one of those happy couples.  But if you're asking my honest opinion, I don't think it's going to happen.

 

What's the Point?

This is a post that I really want reader feedback on.  I see the blog views, somebody is reading.  Don't be a stranger, comment.  Send me an email if you want it to be kept private (theinexpguy@gmail.com).

I was talking with a friend the other day about how I feel naive sometimes when it comes to women and dating.  That maybe sometimes women do make a pass at me and I don't realize it (though I doubt it).  But he also said this: women can be cruel sometimes, especially if you give them attention, sometimes they just use you for that with no intention of anything more.

Now, my friend is not an inexperienced loser.  He's in a committed relationship and has been for something like six years now.  Probably going to marry his girlfriend once they get on solid financial footing.  So while I hesitate to call anyone an "expert" on women or dating or relationships, I don't think we can call him an armchair warrior either.  He's been around and knows at least something of the world.

But my question is this: assuming his assertion is true, then what's the point?  If you can't be your genuine self and show interest when you're interested and instead have to play a game of sorts to ensure that the other person really does like you and isn't just looking for an ego boost, why bother with this whole thing?  Why bother looking for companionship from someone who needed you to prove your worth to them?  I might as well look for that in a robot or my dog if that's the case.

Why is it so hard to just get to know someone and then say "hey I like you" and have them either feel the same or not?  Instead it's a game.  They might not like you, but they like knowing that you like them.  So they string you along, giving you a little bit of what you desire, but not the whole thing.

And none of this is referring to sex by the way.  We're talking about a wholesome commitment to intimacy.

So that's my question.  Why should I make myself vulnerable to people who are mostly assholes of some variation?  Why shouldn't I put up walls higher than Constantinople?  Why shouldn't I hide in a cocoon and avoid people hurting me?  If you've grappled with this issue, what's your answer for it?

Feelings, Truth, and Happy Endings

I've been having somewhat regular conversations with "Becky" recently, which you may know from this post from last month.  Yesterday the conversation turned to a time we had together back in college and how even then I had a big crush on her (read: I was in love with her).  The good part about all of it was she didn't delete me or awkwardly sign out of Facebook as many women would have in the past.  But she also didn't say she felt the same way, then or now.  I came away from it feeling kind of crummy to be honest.  Not mad, just sad.

It's not at all surprising.  I confessed my feelings to her in an email months ago and in no uncertain terms she replied that she did not feel the same way.  And I respect that.  I respect when people are honest and straight with me instead of stringing me along or giving me responses in hopes of sparing my feelings.  I guess I had hoped that in these past few months of corresponding via instant message she might have changed her mind, or maybe I grew on her or something.  I don't know, sometimes you hope against hope, even when your mind tells you you're insane.

When we first started corresponding again, I suppose I thought if I told her how I felt, maybe she had secretly felt the same way for a long time but never wanted to tell me.  Maybe after talking for some months we'd realize that we're really right for each other and we'd spend the rest of our lives together.  Or something.  That's the kind of happy ending I was hoping for.  Never mind how unrealistic it was.

In order to understand why she has this hold over me, you might need some background information.

I last saw her in the late summer of 2010, when we hung out over the course of a few days before she left the US to return to her native country.  At the time, she was (and still is) the only girl (excluding family) who had ever been in my car, the only girl I had ever been to a sit-down restaurant with, the only girl I had ever sat on a couch with, and the only girl I had ever consistently hung out with.  She is, for all intents and purposes my first everything with the exception of kissing and sex.  When she left I was sad, but it paled in comparison to the sadness I felt when I first stopped talking to her and hanging out with her a year earlier.

In May 2009, as my third year in college drew to a close I began to realize that "Becky" and I were not to be.  It wasn't culture, her family, nor shyness that was holding her back, it was her disinterest.  Even after her family moved away and she was living on her own, nothing was going to change.  So I decided to move on.

The problem is that the damage had already been done.  It wasn't so much that she rejected me (unofficially of course since I never really made a big "move") but that I was so sure that she liked me and yet she didn't.  At 20 years old I had thought I had things figured out: if a girl laughs at all your jokes, touches you when she's talking to you, crosses her legs in your direction, finds excuses to hang out with you, suggests things you should do together, etc., it's safe to say she likes you.  I got all of that from "Becky" and yet she only saw me as a friend.  It became painfully obvious to me that I had no idea how to tell if a girl likes me or not.  Platonic interest vs romantic interest is something I couldn't differentiate.

On top of this, I'm forced to reconcile the fact that while I think she's special and unique, how do I know I don't feel that way simply because she's the first and only girl to seemingly take an interest in me?  I have absolutely nothing to compare her to aside from superficial interactions with women.  Not, by the way, for lack of trying.

What does this all mean?  I'm not sure.  Here is this girl that is perfect for me in every way aside from the fact that she doesn't like me romantically, a girl I would in a heartbeat marry if she agreed to it but it's destined not to be.

People who know about the situation in real life have told me not to put all my eggs in one basket.  This is only one girl in a sea of girls, shouldn't I be trying elsewhere?  And my answer is that I am looking elsewhere.  I have active profiles on three dating websites and I message women fairly regularly.  Yet in all this time not a single woman has been interested.  Which goes back to my hypothetical above: am I feeling this way about "Becky" because there's no one else in my life?

Things like this make me feel cursed.  I feel cursed that the only woman who has ever wanted to spend any significant amount of time with, whom I don't feel nervous around and with whom I can talk about anything, doesn't return my feelings.  I feel cursed that I can't move on from her because no one else even lets me close enough to develop feelings.  Cursed that I happen to so often be attracted to the only demographic of women that rarely dates outside its culture or religion.

For now I guess I'll continue to talk to her.  I'll continue to hope for a happy ending of some kind.  But for some reason I doubt it will even come to pass.

How Much Should Your Past Define Your Professional Life?

What's your first thought about Shae from HBO's Game of Thrones?  If it's something like "isn't that the girl who was in those pornos?", apparently you're not alone.  I actually only recognized the name, not the face (she looks different now than she did 10-15 years ago, believe it or not) but I really didn't think it was that big of a deal.  And she's not the first pornographic actress to be in Game of Thrones, and hell, at times the show is itself some kind of soft core pornography anyway.

Is her history something that should be ignored?  I don't know.  I'm not sure if people make a big deal of it because they think porn is sleazy, or because pornographic actors and actresses don't make it out of that industry all that often, or because her parents reacted negatively when they found out she had sex with men on camera for a living and it made the headlines.

Personally I think it's interesting.  Mostly because she ended up being one of those porn stars who had legitimate acting talent, something porn stars are routinely mocked for lacking.  Though I think they lack acting skills because the job doesn't require them.  People don't usually watch porn for the riveting drama, tight story telling, and cutting dialogue.  They usually watch to get off.  Just being honest.

But outside of just acknowledging this I don't think it makes any sense to continue focusing on it.  It's no different than pointing to Ryan Reynolds' supporting role in the X-Files to analyze his career as it stands today.  It's interesting and makes for a good trivia question, but not particularly useful.

Speaking of Ryan Reynolds, being a former porn star is a bit like having played a superhero: it doesn't help you see the depth of their acting talent (or lack thereof).  And interestingly enough you often get defined by that role.  The one key difference though is that acting in porn is so different than acting outside of porn as to probably make them two different professions.

It's ok to point out that Sibel Kekilli used to do porn.  But just leave it that, don't make such a big deal of it.  Sheryl Crow used to be a teacher, Eddie Money was a police officer, The Rock was a college football player.  Are any of those things important in looking at their current work portfolio?  I don't think so.

This is why I don't associate with these clowns

I just read this article by Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank. If you read it, feel free to throw up or get enraged.

I have certain sympathies for conservatives in certain circumstances.  When they correctly advocate for the free market, limited government and individual liberty, I like them.  When they act completely obtuse or boorish, I cringe.

American conservatives like to point out that unlike their liberal adversaries, they treat people as individuals, not groups.  Whether you're poor, black, young, old, whatever, you should be treated as an autonomous person making his or her own decisions independent of the herd.  Yet when it comes to people from the "wrong" background, that attitude goes right out the window.  Muslims are looked at as potential threats to Western Civilization, and Hispanic and other immigrants as drains on welfare seeking to turn the US into a third world country.  It's incredibly sad.

I am not Muslim, but I know a lot about the faith, and I've met my share of Muslims in my life (in fact a huge portion of my friends are Muslim).  Like anyone who bothered to meet people of different backgrounds, I've learned that people are all unique no matter where they came from.  It's best to make an honest attempt at checking the stereotypes at the door.  Perhaps that's "politically correct", but I see it as being a decent human being.

There are something like 1.5 billion Muslims on this planet, speaking all kinds of languages and coming from all kinds of places.  Rural places, urban places, the suburbs, the west, the east, the south. They live half a world away, they live right next door.  They play sports, go to the gym, go watch baseball games, listen to the same music you do, hell some of them will even have a beer with you.  They are not some mysterious other.  Just as you or I aren't some mysterious other.

I hate to get political on this blog.  It takes away from the actual mission here but I had to say this.  And I wonder how much of this is genuine hatred or how much is some kind of rent seeking.  As long as there is a "War on Terror", people who like to foment hate while marketing themselves as "experts" benefit.  People like Brigitte Gabriel get to pile up donations while spreading fear about the dangers of Muslims and Islam.  My hope is that there's a special place in hell for people like that.  Let's hope so.

Apparently Some People Think I Hate Them

 And I don't.  Well I dislike some people, but I guarantee you that they aren't the people who think I hate them.  It's one of those odd things about me: I have a cool, steely, demeanor and I look like I'm a self-assured person who knows what he's doing in life.

The reality: I don't know jack shit about what I'm doing or where I'm going and my self esteem is made of the most fragile glass you could find.  Probably the glass that Solyndra made those solar panels out of.  You know, the ones that broke when it rained.

That cool steely demeanor and tough outer shell is what protects me from being vulnerable.  Protects me from having people find out that I'm a piping hot mess who feels like he couldn't get a date if he was the last guy on earth.

It's the reason this blog is anonymous.  I would feel embarrassed beyond all measure if any of my friends, family or people I interacted with daily knew this side of me.  The side that struggles with women, who wonders what the hell is wrong with him, feels like he failed at life.

Does this hold me back?  Possibly.  But it wasn't always like this.  I used to be pretty carefree about the whole thing.  When you're young you tend to think like that.  Things will sort of magically take care of themselves when you're an adult.  Of course you'll have a good job, of course you'll get a girlfriend, of course you'll travel the world, or whatever else you'd like to do.  How will these things happen?  Who knows, they just will.

So trust me, I don't hate you.  I probably think you're cute but I'm afraid if I talk to you and try to get to know you one of two things will happen: 1) I'll develop feelings for you which you won't reciprocate and then I'll feel badly about myself again or 2) you'll think I'm creepy and will start to avoid me.

It's a vicious cycle, one I'd like to break out of someday.

I'd like to give a shout out to BrownGirlBloggin for mentioning me in her recent blog post.  She's got a great blog over there, so be sure to check it out.  I've got a bit more traffic the last couple of days which I'm sure was due to her (as usual though, these new readers are wont to refrain from commenting on my posts, don't be shy people).  

Things That Turn Women Off

So The Good Men Project posted an article with the title "7 Things Men Do That Turn Women Off".  It's an interesting article, and maybe it applies to things you do in your life that cause women to head for the hills.  I don't think it applies to me very much, though I'd love to know if you disagree.  I'm going to analyze them one by one.

1. You have unrealistic expectations:

Do I?  I don't know.  On the one hand I think most women (maybe all) are "out of my league", but on the other hand I do have certain types of women that I find attractive.

I'm not a full fledged nerd, but I'm not a dumb jock either.  So maybe I don't have a league so I don't fit anywhere?  Again, I don't know.

2. You let porn warp your thinking:

I tend to get most of my understanding about sex from things people post online.  Do I watch porn?  Sure, sometimes.  But I understand that it's not realistic.  Most people don't have unprotected sex with strangers, at least not since the 1970s.  I prefer to let google or online forums I post in educate me on what people's sex lives are like.

3. You don't quit:

I'm pretty sure I do the opposite of this, with rare exception.  If I don't get the feeling that a girl absolutely adores me the first time I meet her, I immediately lose hope and stop pursuing.  Also, if a girl flakes on me I assume she hates me and is repulsed by me in some way.  I learned my lesson the hard way when you don't do this.

4. You're in a hurry:

In a hurry for what?  Sex?  If so, I've been doing it wrong my entire life.

Seriously though, I think I'd rather wait until I'm in a relationship before I have sex.  Problem is I have a hard time even getting a date.  And when I do go on dates I move so slowly that I'm 26 years old and I haven't even kissed a girl.  I don't think I'm in a hurry.

5. You view sex as something owed to you, or something to be taken: 

I don't know, do I?  I think sex is something most people do by the time they get to a certain point in adulthood.  No one is obligated to sleep with me, nor I them.  But, I think it's pretty clear that there is something fundamentally wrong with you if you haven't had sex (or had a relationship) by the time you're in your mid 20s.  So I think it makes sense to be frustrated about it and a little bit upset.  But it's not something you're owed, anymore than free health care or free housing are "owed" to you.  Because they're not.

6. You don't work to improve yourself:

This might be true, depending on how you mean it.  The only ways I think I could improve myself in the short and intermediate term, are to get a better job and to do some traveling.  I can't exactly have those things improved by tomorrow.

7. You've never accomplished anything:

What is "anything"?  I graduated college.  I've beaten my personal bests in weight lifting.  But I never started my own business (though I was part of senior executive management of one), or backpacked through Europe or built a car or computer from scratch.  None of that.  But I'm only 26 for crying out loud.  What do you expect?

If these are the only things that turn women off, I must be doing something really wrong.  Or I must be really fucked up personally and need a lot of improvement.  Because I don't do these things.

Why Life Sucks Lately

It's getting a little uncomfortable to do certain things lately.

Facebook over the past few weeks has been full of people posting status updates or pictures declaring that they are now married or engaged to their significant other.  I'm not friends with very many ancient people, so these are all people who are my age.  A few years ago when I saw some people I knew on Facebook getting married or engaged I just kind of rolled my eyes.  21 or 22 is still a little early to be getting married, especially if you haven't even finished college yet. Now, at 26 and staring down the barrel at 30 it's not so foolish to be settling down.  The people getting married have either finished their schooling or are in a job that is reasonably stable and allows them to make a firm commitment to the person they're dating.  But seeing all of this, it really makes me feel behind in my personal development as an adult.

The other painful thing is going to baseball games.  Baseball is my favorite sport to watch in person.  It beats football and basketball in that regard (I'm not a hockey fan so I have no idea how hockey is live vs on TV).  And the stadium my favorite team plays in is one of the best in all of baseball; it's not just me saying that as a fan, it's routinely listed in the top five by "neutral" observers.  So I love going, but it's becoming hard to handle.  Why?  Because every time I go I see plenty of happy couples.  People going to the game and enjoying themselves and holding hands or dancing with each other in a goofy way during the 7th inning stretch, etc.  And it just drives home the fact that I am in fact a loser who can't even consistently get dates, yet lots of people apparently can find girlfriends.  It's a very similar phenomenon to going to the grocery store, except there are times during the week that you can go grocery shopping without running into young couples (or any couples).  There's really no time you can go to a baseball game and not run into them.

The latter of these two issues has become a big concern for me as of late.  Me, my father, and my brother have season tickets (a 13 game plan) but when my brother changed jobs he wasn't able to get all of the game dates off, so there's been two games so far that he hasn't been able to attend.  I tried to find friends of mine to go but nobody wanted to nor could get free.  This coming Saturday is another such occasion, except now my father cannot attend either.  So I'm left with two tickets that I could in theory sell and give the money to my father and my brother, or sell to friends of mine, or sell one and take a girl on a date with the other.  Except, there is honestly not one girl that I know who would go if invited.  That is an extremely sad fact.  And it just goes back to my loser status.  A young, single, supposedly alright guy, can't find a girl to go to a baseball game?  What a big fat loser.

I know a few of you might read this and say "you're being too hard on yourself".  But am I?  I'm 26 and while plenty of people around me have girlfriends, wives, fiances, etc. I have yet to even kiss a single girl.  Let that sink in.  Never.  The proof is in the pudding, so to speak.  Irrational positivity might feel good, but it's still irrational.

So I don't know.  I want to be optimistic, but I'm finding a lot of reasons not to be.  And very few reasons to be.

On Prostitution

One of the things I sometimes get asked about is prostitution.  How I feel about it and whether I would go to a prostitute to lose my virginity.

Prostitution should be legal.  There are all kinds of reasons why it should be, from the moral to the practical.  For one thing, if it's legal to have sex with someone for free, why should anything change just because money or some other tangible good was exchanged?  I don't want to hear about how so many prostitutes are addicted to drugs or alcohol or have psychological issues.  How many people with psychological issues or addictions do you think have sex (casual hookups, flings, and the like) everyday who aren't prostitutes?  Shall we lock them or the people they have sex with up along with all the prostitutes and johns?  I'm pretty sure the jails would have a lot more overcrowding than they do already if that were to happen.

Morally you can't make a case in favor of prohibition either.  If you own nothing else in this world, you own the body you were born with and carry around with you until the day you die.  You should be free to do with it what you want.  Get a tattoo, eat junk food, do drugs, drink alcohol, play extreme sports, and yes, have sex with people who want to have sex with you, and yes, even make money on it.  It's not my place to tell you what to do with your own body, even if I think you're making bad choices.

Now, I'm ok with groups who wish to end prostitution as long as they are using voluntary methods to do so.  Talking to prostitutes, talking to people who go to prostitutes, etc.  Using the power of persuasion and free speech to spread ideas you think are right.  It's the same deal with people who want to convince people that having sex before marriage is bad.  Yeah you should be free to express that if you want and people should be free to ignore you if they want.

What does this mean for me personally?  Would I go to a prostitute?  My short answer to this is no.  I don't think I'd want to have sex with a prostitute.  Not only when it comes to my first time, but pretty much any time.  It's not sex that I crave as much as I crave companionship.  Someone to go to ballgames with me or day trips to cool places or to movies with or any number of things.  Sex of course is an important part of that but it definitely takes a backseat to general companionship.  I will point out though that I'm only 26.  I have no idea how I'd answer this question if I were 35 or 40 in my same predicament.  And to be honest I would pay someone to kiss me, or perhaps give me kissing lessons.  Because I think that's something I definitely need help with.  I'd probably pay 100-200 dollars for an hour's worth of kissing lessons.  I don't know, I don't think anyone offers that kind of service so it's probably not a big deal to worry about.

So there you go. my thoughts on prostitution.  I wouldn't go to a prostitute for sex, but I think it should be legal.  Hopefully that's not a very controversial opinion.