Over the past week I've felt a little nostalgic. Looking over how things were, and how my life could have gone in a different direction. Perusing this blog too (I know I don't write much anymore). One of the things I think about is the friends I've lost.
Part of growing up means inevitably downsizing your friend group, and even seeing less of the friends you do have. Marriage, family, work, just...life in general gets in the way. You go from seeing your buddies almost every day, to a few times a week, then a few times a month, then once a year if you're lucky. You can, and do, make new friends, but they're often friends from work, or another couple you and your spouse have befriended. They often lack the richness and the context of your old friend group. At least that's how it feels to me.
But then there's also the friends you've lost. Unlike the friends you just see less of because life gets in the way, these "lost friends", you don't have a relationship with at all. If you were to run into each other at the grocery store, you'd both likely walk in the other direction, or awkwardly try to avoid each other. Maybe you had a falling out over something, or something got in the way of your friendship, or maybe there was a misunderstanding and the two of you are too full of bitterness or pride to cross the armistice line. Whatever the case, there's often nothing there anymore to resuscitate, the friendship long ago asphyxiated when the life support machine was cut off.
I've thankfully only had a few of these over the years. And as the years have passed I can confidently say I hold no ill will towards any of them. Though I acknowledge the chances we will ever reconnect is probably zero. Unfortunately. Life is like that sometimes.
There's one person I was thinking about this week. A friend of mine from college. Oddly enough she was a mutual friend of my wife's. Not a particularly close friend of hers, but they went to high school together and had a cordial relationship on our college campus. During our college years, I developed a closer relationship with this person (whom we'll call "Jennifer") to the point where I was better friends with her than my wife was. We had classes together, similar interests, and we both had similar nerd-lite tendencies (though I was far more into sports and athletics than she was). There's a big chance that had I not met my wife first, I might have developed a crush on this "Jennifer" in another timeline. And, with the benefit of looking back now, years later, I suspect "Jennifer" might have at one time had a crush on me. She often displayed jealousy when I spent time with "Becky" (my wife) instead of her. And another time, we were in class and she complained about her hands being cold. She proceeded to place her hands on my (bare) arms so I could feel how cold her hands were. Now, I'm not saying she was head over heels with me, and maybe all these things were just coincidences, but it's possible there was something more going on. I don't know. Regardless, I considered her a friend, and considered her one of the smartest people I knew. I truly believe she had an impact on how my worldview eventually ended up. And for that I truly appreciate our time together.
After we graduated, she worked overseas for a while. When she eventually returned stateside I asked to interview her for my podcast. I thought she had a unique perspective that both myself, and my (few) listeners would be interested in. It was a very good podcast episode, easily the best one I've ever done. After I published it, she messaged me to request that I remove her last name from the website so it wouldn't come up in Google searches of her name. I complied, though was unaware that the file name itself still had her name on it, and would come up in searches. She didn't bring this to my attention, but instead waited until I messaged her about something else. Then she made it very clear that she was angry and felt that I had let her down. I ultimately fixed the issue, but our relationship never recovered. I can only assume she had intense anger towards my negligence, and on my end I was annoyed that she would insinuate that I would intentionally burn her (or any of my friends for that matter). That was over ten years ago and we've not spoken or exchanged contact since. And while I haven't thought about it every day, I have thought about it from time to time. Wondering how things might have gone if I had been more careful.
I looked her up last week. The vast majority of her social media accounts, and almost any trace of her online has disappeared. The only thing left is an anonymous Twitter account. Via Wayback Machine, and reading over the tweets, the user name, all of that, I confirmed it is in fact, her. I'm...very disappointed. Of all the paths I thought she might take, I didn't think she'd go religious fanatic, conspiracy nut, racist, homophobic nut bag. There are still traces of who I knew her to be long ago, but they're buried under a pile of bullshit. Beyond the loss of our friendship, I genuine believe the world, and maybe just as important the movement for individual liberty and free markets, lost a great mind. And I can't help but wonder if we hadn't had our falling out, maybe I could have been a positive influence that would have kept her from spiraling out. But maybe not. I don't know.
I do wish her well, and hope that she comes back down from the precipice. But that's what I've been thinking about these days.
