The Incel Podcast

Through my casual interest in true crime and unsolved mysteries I learned that there's a relatively new podcast (I think a year or so old) called "The Incel Podcast". Despite my desire to put that part of my life behind me once and for all, I did listen to a few episodes just to see what it was all about and whether I would have anything of note to add to such an endeavor. 

Sometime during the course of this blog (probably sometime in 2011 or 2012) I became aware of the term "incel" and aware that there were websites, forums, and Reddit subs dedicated to people describing themselves as "involuntary celibate", or "incel". For a time I lurked and occasionally commented on the Forever Alone subreddit, but otherwise I never joined any sites dedicated to people who might be described as fellow travelers. The reason for this was quite simple: while I may have suspected that there was something inherently "wrong" with me that made me incapable of ever attracting a romantic or sexual partner, to the extent that getting out of my situation was possible, there was nothing of value to be gleaned from hanging around with other people like myself. Furthermore, whenever I did have the chance to interact with others like me, I never quite felt a connection with them. I know this is overgeneralizing, but many of them had no friends (female or male), they were big into anime and stereotypical "nerd shit", and had a disdain or disinterest in sports or athletic competition. Many had been bullied when they were younger, or were convinced that looks, or their height or some other aspect of their appearance was what held them back. I never felt that way, I always felt that my inexperience was the result of me "missing the window" so to speak in which most people go out and have their first dates, kisses, sex, etc., and that figuring out how to catch up was the key (whether that was possible or not was always the question). 

Again, I know I'm overgeneralizing, but even the culture that permeates the community makes me cringe, and probably would have made me cringe 10 years ago. Terms like "ascending" or "Chads", or "normies" don't jive with me, and just sound like cultish lingo. Perhaps it's because I'm too old and out of touch, and the things that might have once resonated with me have passed me by. 

I don't write any of this as judgement. Honestly, having support and a community you feel like you can trust and go to for discussion and venting is very valuable. It's unfortunate that so many incels can't (or feel as though they can't) find that through offline relationships. I'm glad someone like Naama Kates (who seems intelligent and receptive to learning) has taken on a project like the podcast. I'm only saying I don't feel a very strong connection or identity with them. 

The episodes I've listened to have made me go back and think about my past and how I ended up writing this lonely little blog at the edge of the internet. It's also made me confront some aspects of my personality that still permeate, but now manifest themselves in other areas of my life instead of dating and sex. It's worth checking out, and I do recommend it.

The Next Journey

While I figure out whether or not I will move to a new blog to discuss my newest crucible, I guess I'll start here with whatever audience I have left.

When I last left you dear readers in January 2015, I was working for an insurance agent. I would last only a few more months at this place before being fired. I know it's a cliche, but it was really was for the best, and while I believe my employer had a role to play in my "lack of progress" (the official stated reason for my dismissal), I honestly can't blame them for letting me go. I didn't understand my role or where I fit into the success of the agency. All I really did was collect a paycheck and do the bare minimum on a day-to-day basis.

I was unemployed for another 3 months before finding a job as a bank teller. While I made less money than I did at the insurance agency, I was working under a manager who saw my experience and my skill set and made it her mission to put me in a position where I can learn how to be successful in the financial sales world. In less than 6 months I was promoted to banker and I started to be much more successful than I had been before.

After more than a year in the role, my new manager (who was also very keen to keep developing me and putting me in positions to succeed and move up) left for a competitor bank. Very soon he referred me to take a position with a manager he had befriended at a branch much closer to my house. It was in this role I experienced more success than I ever had before. I exceeded my sales quotas, I received raving reviews from my manager, built a great reputation and everything seemed well and good.

But there was something lurking. A dissatisfaction, a desire for more. I was in the role for three years, but it didn't appear that moving beyond my role was on the horizon. I was making more money than I ever had before, but I was still paycheck to paycheck. Not content to simply wait for something to be handed to me, I looked into possible positions in the bank that I could apply for. There weren't any management positions in my area, and to be quite honest I wasn't really looking to become a manager. I ruled mortgage lending out, because it was commission-only and I didn't have enough money saved up to tide me over until I started closing loans. I found a handful of positions elsewhere in the bank that I thought I could do and applied for them, but no dice.

While looking internally for a change, I began to look externally as well. Starting in 2018 I had looked at making a switch into another industry. Since my wife worked in tech, I figured tech sales would be a natural spot. But, try as I might, I just couldn't manage to get anywhere.

Meanwhile, midway through 2019, the bank changed our bonus structure. We would now be paid to show our customers how to use the online banking system. We were only meant to show our customers 2-3 demonstrations per visit, but I figured why not show them more? Soon, I was showing them at least 10 per visit. In my mind, it seemed to me they were benefiting from an increased knowledge in the new technology, and I was getting something out of it too, win-win. Unfortunately for me, it was not win-win. At least not to the bank. After getting an impromptu reprimand from the regional coordinator, I was fired at the end of January.

To make matters worse, I had become persona non grata to my former manager, the same manager who had lavished praise on me for the previous three years. At my exit interview he offered to set me up with a MLM person he knew "to have some passive income" while I looked for another job. When I called him a few weeks later to ask if he could be a reference for me on a job application, he acted as if he didn't know who I was. Soon after, he deleted me from his LinkedIn connections.

Since then, I found myself working in tech. The only problem is I'm working as a help desk technician. And while I am making more money than ever before, I'm miserable. I don't like technical work. What's worse is it's a public sector contractor. I have zero private sector clients, so even if I wanted to eventually move up to a sales role, it would be in the public sector.

I've continued to apply for sales jobs, but to no avail. I had a few interviews that ultimately went nowhere, but the last of those was in early April. Back in March I had somebody reach out to me on another social media site and offer to help, but after our initial conversation he has dropped off the radar and I'm not one to beg anyone to help me. So I consider that option a dead end. I've reached out to other people on LinkedIn to try to do informational interviews or even just asking recruiters what skills or experience I should try to emphasize as I look to go in a new direction, but they too had zero interest in replying.

So, here I am. Ultimately straightened out my personal life, but my professional life is not anywhere near where I'd like to be. And I don't know how to fix it.

2020: An Update from the Apocalypse

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore. It's been five years and I've essentially broken the promise I made that I wouldn't just disappear. In my defense, I'm a superstitious person. When something is out of my control, I tend to remove it from the world of the rational and into the world of the supernatural. I believed that this blog and its contents, and the persona of The Inexperienced Guy, were toxic. That I had to let it go in order to embrace a new life. I've gotten better at being less superstitious, and honestly 99% of the time I'm very rational and a bit of a skeptic. Nonetheless maybe I'll regret coming out of retirement (if this is even me coming out of retirement). Who knows.

I'll start with the important stuff since I know everyone is tuning in for the obvious: Becky and I ended up getting married. 6 months or so after my last post. Is it a perfect relationship? Of course not, such a thing doesn't exist. But we're happy. I'm also now no longer a kissless, virgin who never had a girlfriend before.

I don't know what else to say other than that. I can say that I'm now much more confident around women (ironic, since it no longer matters). I guess it's one of those catch-22 type of things where you can't have confidence until you've got some experience, and you won't get experience without confidence. Somehow I managed to break the cycle.

Anyway, I just wanted readers to know I'm not dead. I'm doing well. I could probably manage to cut back on the bourbon and cigars, but otherwise I'm healthy and happy. I may come back and write here about other things. Maybe my career journey, which is currently in a valley (some of my own doing). I appreciate those of you who gave me advice, feedback, or even just those who commented on here over the years. It's been almost ten years since I started this blog, and if nothing else it's a great time capsule for me to go back and read my thoughts through the years.

Again thank you all.

Yours,

The Inexperienced Guy

Hello and Goodbye

Anyone who follows this blog with any kind of regularity, knows I've been gone a while.  Not so far gone that you wonder whether I'm still alive or not, but long enough that you might wonder what's been going on in my life.

In the time I've been away I've had a lot to think about.  About who I am, what I want in life, and whether or not I can ever be truly happy.  A lot of this has been brought on by Becky's return to my life.  A woman I've long regarded as "the woman of my dreams".  Someone I'd give most of my vital organs to be with, but who could never say anything even remotely resembling that in return.

That however, had appeared to change over the past two months, as chronicled here.  And the past two weeks in particular were especially good.  Better than anything I could ever have imagined.  Lots of "I love yous" and "I love you toos" were exchanged.  Smileys and laughter and just staring at each other smiling.  I know it's not in real life, it's only exchanged over an internet connection, but I can honestly say I know the answer to Rod Stewart's question in "Some Guys Have All the Luck": how does it feel when the girl next to you says she loves you?  And boy, does it feel good.

To be quite honest, it felt too good to be true.  I've never had any girl I liked ever like me back, let alone someone as amazing as Becky.

And today, those fears seemed to come true.  We had yet another unfortunate conversation about how she's unsure about whether her feelings for me are romantic in nature, or something else.  The fairy tale ending with me and her riding off into the sunset is not at this point a realistic one.  To be honest, I panicked a bit.  I probably sounded like a scared, whiny bitch on the phone with her.  In hindsight, I should have maintained my composure.  I still have a while to charm her into feeling for me and besides, I need to have confidence that once she meets me she'll know that she can't live without me.

Still though, I can't shake that feeling that I'm cursed.  That I've been played for a fool yet again.  And I can't stop it.  I'm in love with her and I will be for the rest of my life.  What's worse is that I think she's ruined women and dating for me forever.  If she is playing me, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to believe someone when they say they love me ever again.  Only time will tell if my fears are legitimate, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

So where does that leave this blog?  Well for now I think I'm done writing on here.  For now.  Not forever.  If things work out with Becky I'll definitely post a series of followups to let everyone know what's going on, just as I promised.  But this blog can sometimes bring out the worst in me.  My worst neurosis, my fears, my cynicism, everything that will not in any way help me work my way through the Becky situation.  So I need to step away for a while.

I do read the comments, so feel free to comment her any thoughts you have or pieces of advice.  I don't always take every piece of advice I get (mostly because I'm a stubborn moron) but I like reading and considering the advice nonetheless.

So for now, I bid adieu.

How Do You Know?

I don't actually expect anyone to have an answer to this.  If they did, they'd probably be the ruler of the world.  But how do you know how you truly feel, and how do you know how they feel?

It's easy for someone to say "I love you", or "je t'aime", or "ahabak(ik)", or any other way of saying you love someone.  They're just words.  Anyone can do things for someone, or kiss them, or make love to them.  But that doesn't necessarily mean they love them.

So how do you know?

It's a question I wrestle with routinely.  About both my own feelings and the feelings of others.

I say I love Becky.  I believe that I do.  I believe this because of how I feel when I'm around her, when I talk to her (whether on the phone or through online chat), because of how I care about her.  Whenever I hear about something happening in her country or whenever the power goes out over there, I worry about her safety.  I feel genuine sadness at the thought of never talking to her again.  I wish very much for her happiness in life.  I think that's all great evidence in support of the idea that I love her.

But, how do I know?  How do I know it's not because she's the only girl to want to consistently stick around me for this long?  How do I know it's not because I think she's the last shot I have to ever find someone?  How do I know?

And the answer is that I don't know.  And can't know.  I don't live in a world in which I'm choosing her over many other women.  She is the only one.  I have to put trust in myself that I know what I'm feeling is in fact love, and not desperation or loneliness.  And trusting yourself is often the most difficult thing to do.

On the other side of the equation, how do I know how Becky feels?  She's terribly hard to predict.  Hard to lock down where she stands.  One day she'll say she loves me, the next she'll say she doesn't want a long distance relationship and has a hard time saying she loves me over the phone (something she still has never done).  She'll say she's coming here to visit, but that I shouldn't wait for her. She'll text me to say she misses me, but doesn't sound like she's in a hurry to see me.

So how do I know she's serious about wanting to give us a shot?  How do I know she's not saying these things to avoid disappointing me or to avoid making me hate her?  I'm not exactly someone accustomed to having women be interested in him, which only compounds the problem.

I've asked for people's thoughts on the issue, and some have chimed in.  And I encourage anyone else reading this to chime in too.  But how do you know about your own feelings?  How do you know about another person's feelings?  Am I just an idiot for believing this might work out?

Miscellaneous Notes About Honesty, Decency and Communication

I'm not sure if I've ever gone on record saying it, but I have no problem with "the fade".  I also have no problems with making up excuses or having non-answers like "I'll let you know" or "I'll check my schedule" as a way of rejecting someone without coming out and saying it.  I'm an adult, and somehow an adult who gets social cues fairly easily.  I understand that anything other than a "yes" is a "no".

But, there does come a time when you need to be honest with people.  When putting something gently or being passive-aggressive, or coy is not an attempt at sparing someone's feelings, but just a way of implying that they're stupid.  Telling someone after three dates that you can't see them anymore because you're not over your ex, or some other variation of "it's not you, it's me" is acceptable.  Saying that to someone you've been married to for 10 years, not so much.  It's not even about the length of time you know the person, it's more about the degree to which trust and honesty is deserved.

I was reminded of this recently, hence the timing of this post.  Someone I had hoped would have the decency to be honest with me given the similar difficulties we face, but who instead went the passive-aggressive rejection route.  I'm not even talking about romantic rejection, because I didn't see this person that way, it was more of a personal rejection of me as a person.  I don't know what kind of issues this person is going through, nor their reasons for their actions, but given what I did know of them, I had hoped that clear communication would have been possible. I hold no ill will and the door is always open for them to return, but I do hope this person finds what they're looking for.  I got the hint though and I'm backing off.  Thanks for everything, and take care of yourself.  I really mean that.

This isn't really about one specific person though.  This post is about how we should interact with anyone in our lives.  Knowing when honestly is owed and when it's not is a crucial part of interpersonal communication.    The little things can sometimes go a long way.

Wow. It's Been Four Years

So I've been doing this for four years.  Yup.  Go check.  My first ever post on this blog was 11/21/2010.  I was in my last year of college.  I was really done with college at that point, I could have finished that summer instead of going a whole extra year.  Mentally, I had checked out already.  Didn't help my GPA of course.  Though, all things considered I did fine, could have done better, but also could have done worse.

It had been three months since Becky left to go back to her home country.  I had sent her an email that she never replied to, and for all I knew at the time I was never going to hear from her again.  In six months of being on Okcupid, I had gotten zero dates, and only three replies to my messages (one was a girl who told me she only wanted to date men from her culture but still agreed to add me on Facebook).  It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, so it was right in that terrible time of year where it sucks to be single.

Three weeks after I wrote my first post my grandmother died.  The good grandmother, the one who actually cared about me and my family.  I don't "hate" my other grandmother, but it's clear that she's not a person that wants to spend time with other people.  So that was a pretty terrible time.  I'll tell you the story one day of why I feel like a piece of shit with regards to this, but for now I'll just leave it as is.

So, I was a 22 year old senior in college.  Most of my friends had graduated so it was basically just me on campus alone.  I hadn't really been on a real "date", hadn't kissed a girl, hadn't even held hands with a girl before, had zero post-college job prospects and graduation was fast approaching.  My grand plan of meeting some girl in one of my classes or just in school in general was fast becoming an unrealistic dream.

So I hope that paints a good picture of the setting.  The "fertile ground" in which this blog began.

When I started this blog, my hope was that I would post on here and that people would read and give me advice on what I should do.  School kind of interrupted my ability to post consistently, and I think by the spring I was at three or four posts and zero comments.  That's when I decided maybe I should record my activities and progress, with the eventual goal of acting as a blueprint for others in my shoes.  Like a science experiment, or a traveler's guide.  As the months and years stretched on I realized that was only going to fill up so many pages, especially given the lack of dates I was going on.  That's when I added commentary and social critique to the content here.  Helps bridge the gap between my failed dates.

Since I started the blog I've certainly made some progress.  I've been on some dates, I've actually held hands with a girl, and kissed a girl on the cheek, I've had a girl tell me she loved me (albeit not quite in the way I wanted her to love me but whatever), and I've told a girl I loved her.  I now have a full time salaried position with a stable company and I'm on the way towards having a more independent lifestyle.  Still though, I think I'm still in many ways the same guy.  The same guy who is unsure and shy, and insecure about himself.  I still wonder in the same way what a girl I'm interested in could possibly find attractive about me.  I'm not sure exactly how or when this will ever change.  It's something that has been with me for a long time.  I hope it's not part of who I am, but it definitely could be.

I also still find women of South Asian and Middle Eastern descent extremely attractive.  I don't think it's a fetish in the way that people have Asian fetishes or what have you.  It's not something I intentionally seek out, it's just a trend I've noticed.  I think it hurts me in that it limits my dating pool though ironically the only women who have ever even agreed to go out with me were of those descents, so I don't know.

It seems fitting that one of the blogs I follow (BrownGirlBloggin) is doing a reveal video as a probable retirement of her blog this coming week. This blog (my blog) is (hopefully) not forever.  I will end this blog when/if  I get a girlfriend.  I'll obviously not leave anyone hanging.  I'll write some wrap up posts, and a farewell as well as a place to find my current writing and a way to get in touch with me.  And I'll leave this blog up for anyone who wants to find it and read about my journey.  For now though that day has not arrived.  So fear not, The Inexperienced Guy is still here.

I've toyed from time to time with the idea of doing a "reveal" of my own.  The thing is though, this blog is anonymous for a good reason.  Very few of my friends know that I'm a completely inexperienced guy.  Most people think I'm a cool and calm, "manly man" who doesn't fret about how girls don't like him.  If I reveal myself, that all goes out the window.  That's not to say that no one knows how I look or who I am.  I've befriended one reader of this blog a year ago and would certainly reveal my identity to anyone else under the condition that they don't reveal my identity (unless it's to help me get a girlfriend, then I'm ok with it).  I've tried to befriend others with mixed success.  If you read this blog and you really do want to know who I really am, please drop me a line and I'll add you on Facebook or I'll send you a picture or something.

Suffice it to say, I've been here four years.  I'd really not like to be here for another four.  Hell, I'd like not to be here another four days.  But, I'm glad that if I have to be on this journey, that I have whoever is reading this along with me.  Thanks everyone, and I promise I'm not going anywhere.  At least not yet...