How many people are like me?

Obviously I come at this question from a heterosexual male point of view, so I'm mostly interested in that, but I'm a little curious about the female side of this too I suppose.

A couple of years ago I did some research on it and I came up with results pretty similar to what I found here: about 1.1 million people aged 25-44 are virgins and by age 19, 80% of men and 75% of women have lost their virginity.  Now, I wasn't able to find the total number of adults aged 25-44, but if you use the demographic numbers from the US Census Bureau and play around a bit it's roughly 100 million adults give or take.  So 1.1 million is about 1%.

Sorry about the math there.  I know it's a lot of numbers to read all at once.

My main point is that most people by the time they hit 30 aren't virgins.  And odds are if they aren't virgins they've probably kissed a girl, and had a girlfriend.  So it's a far more useful indicator to use.

Now, people can lie on self-reporting surveys.  People might be ashamed at the amount of sex they've had or not had and will lie or round their numbers to something they think might seem more "normal".  So you have to be a bit suspicious about the numbers.  But in my experience the numbers more or less jive with what I've seen in real life: I only know two people who remained kissless past the age of 21.  And I know shy guys, religious guys, people from other parts of the world, people who smell, people who look weird, etc.  I don't know about the virginity numbers because I don't know everyone's sex life and don't care to.

So given these numbers and given what I know about people in real life, and given that people often lie about these things, how many people do I think are kissless inexperienced guys past the age of 25?  I think the number is somewhere between three and  seven percent.  And that mostly depends on who we're counting in the overall pool, and I'm actually leaning towards the lower end of that number.

Yet on message boards, websites and forums that I read and post on, there seems to be a feeling that the number of "forever alone" type guys has been steadily growing over the past 10-20 years.  Most of the people who subscribe the this theory tend to blame women for being too picky, feminism and single mothers for teaching men to be passive, or society for valuing alpha males over beta and omega males, or some combination of these theories.  I'm willing to believe that the percentage of older inexperienced men has grown over the past say 50 years, but not by any significant margin and not for the reasons given by these internet commentators.

I now bring it to you readers.  How common is it to find a guy (or a gal) who has made it to age 25 or older who has not had his first kiss, has not had sex, and has not been in a relationship?  Is my estimate of 3-7% too high, or too low, or just right?  Am I missing some big increase in inexperienced guys?  I thought this blog was unique?

Revisiting the Race Issue

I wrote a little bit about race and dating six months ago, dealing with the notion of preferring to date within your own racial background being inherently racist.  The topic is relevant again with this lovely article written by Tiffany Wang over at The Bold Italic.  It's not necessarily about dating per se, but more about the kind of people one finds attractive and the stereotypes of Asian men in particular.

I will start off by saying that I had no idea Asian men were stereotyped or felt stereotyped before I started posting on internet forums around 2010.  Perhaps being white means I don't notice such things, I don't know.  In any case I understand the frustration, a lot of women who say they are not attracted to Asian men may be doing so because of the perception that Asian men are undesirable.  The whole "small penis" stereotype, the femme way Asian men are sometimes presented, and the lack of strong Asian male portrayals in popular culture.

But, on the other hand, is it possible for an individual woman to not be attracted to Asian men in general?

One of the key themes of this blog is my unusual attraction (some may say fetish, but I should hope that's not what it is) to women of South Asian and Middle Eastern backgrounds.  In general I'm not attracted to white women, despite being white myself.  It's much more common for me to find an Asian woman, or Hispanic woman, or a black woman (like Iman, I mean damn) attractive than a white woman.  But almost every woman I've ever been into was South Asian or Middle Eastern.  I don't know why this is, perhaps it's because one of the first Disney movies I watched as a kid was Aladdin.  Maybe it's something else, I don't know.  But I am pretty sure that my lack of attraction to white women has zero to do with popular culture, otherwise I'd be fantasizing about Megan Fox instead of Sherlyn Chopra, et al.  And this doesn't mean that I've never met or seen a white woman that I was attracted to, we're talking about generalities though.

So at the end of all of this, I don't really know what to say.  Perhaps many have been socialized to find Asian men unattractive.  Maybe some women were never going to be attracted to Asian men in the first place.  It's really hard to say.

Hooking Up and the Consequences of Doing So

I like to read other people's blogs or Tumblrs from time to time.  Just to see how an "average" person lives.  Some posters are pretty open about their lives, detailing drug use, how often they get drunk and even their romantic and sexual lives.  All of these people are anonymous, so I've never met them and likely never will.  But the insights into their lives are quite fascinating.

It's no secret that young people (especially college aged people) hook up.  There have been numerous articles written and studies conducted on the subject.  There are good things and bad things about this, but I think the simple fact of the matter is that it happens.

For those that have hooked up, and have done so frequently, my guess is that at some point in the future (maybe in a short while, maybe a long time from now) you would like to settle down and get into a relationship.  Will your experience hooking up impact how you go about that?  Will it impact the kind of partner you choose to settle down with?

I'd imagine it would probably be easier to settle down with someone who had also done their share of experimenting sexually as well, but I could be wrong on that.

This is something I wonder about sometimes.  Would a woman who had spent a good deal of time in her 20s be interested in a guy like me who is basically a completely clean slate?  We'd be on totally opposite sides of the sexual spectrum in terms of experience and knowledge.  Would she be worried I wasn't really ready to settle down because I hadn't experienced the world very much?  Would she be worried that I'd be bad at sex?  Creeped out?  In essence: does our new openness about sexuality impact how we view those who aren't as experienced?

For my part, I've never been one to care about my partner's sexual history.  It's just not something I care to know.  Mentally I would prefer not to think about any girl I'm seeing being with another guy (sexually or romantically) but intellectually I understand that most people in my dating age range have probably had relationships and sex before, perhaps a lot.  So I understand I won't be getting some "pure" virgin, and I really don't care.  At the same time I don't want to be judged for my lack of sexual history, you know?

So I'd like to here from some sexually experienced people, and since I'm a heterosexual male, preferably some women.  How would you feel about dating a man who was sexually inexperienced?  Do you think your experience sexually would impact your view of him as a sexual and/or romantic partner?  Would your sexual histories be so incompatible as to not be able to be overcome by any amount of compatibility in other ways or his ability to learn?

Email, comment below, or tweet me your answers.  If you'd like to remain anonymous let me know.

Updates, and What's Ahead

Most of my posts as of late have been more op-ed oriented stuff.  A lot of pop culture criticism, lifestyle pieces, things I think about in my everyday life.  I haven't really talked much about my own life recently so I decided to give a bit of an update and talk about what things will look like from me creatively going forward.

I am still a kissless virgin.  In fact, since my date last spring, I haven't even come close to first base.  Hell, I haven't even managed to ground out to shortstop.  I don't meet many women through my social group and as far as cold approaching goes I am still pretty bad at transitioning from acquaintances to anything more than that.  I joined a few dating sites hoping to maybe get some dates that way but it's really been a tough time.  When my Match membership expires in March I'm canceling it and saving my money.  I'll still probably go on Tinder every once in a while but I have no expectations.

The big progress has been made on the workout front.  I joined a gym in November (as opposed to paying for one day passes or working out at home) and I can honestly say I've seen more strength gains this past couple of months than at any time in my life.  The one downside is I'm having a hard time weening myself off the 3,000 calorie a day bulking diet that I'm on.  I'm not "fat", I just have a bit more flab on my stomach than I'd like.  My arms, shoulders, and chest are very defined and big.  My max bench press is 185 lbs, up from about 115 a little under a year ago.

Professionally, well I'm not doing so well.  Still working part time at a retail job (what you thought this blogging gig pays?) and living with my parents.  I'm sure that doesn't help me with the ladies.  But, at least I have a job, and some money, and my own car.  That helps, right?

So that's where I am right now.

What should you expect from this space in the coming weeks and months?

Well, more of the same.  Some updates from my personal life, and a lot of social commentary.  Maybe a little comedy.  I started a podcast and recorded the first episode I just haven't uploaded it onto blogger.  So I guess I should get around to that.  What would really make this space and the podcast much more interesting is for you, the readers to send me questions.  Questions about anything really.  Anything from what kind of food you should have at your wedding to what you should wear for your first day of college (I'm a guy though so keep that in mind when I answer such questions).  You get the point.

So send me an email (theinexpguy@gmail.com), or hit me up on twitter (@the_inexp_guy) or tumblr (http://theinexperiencedguy.tumblr.com/) and I'll be glad to answer it on the blog or on the podcast.  You can even specify which one if you'd like.  I'm even thinking up a contest I could do with a prize or something for the winner.

So let's hop to it!

Racism and the Movies

Is America racist because some people are upset that a black guy will be playing Johnny Storm?

First of all, who cares?  Secondly, this is only an issue when we're dealing with a relatively known superhero.  Nobody batted an eyelash when Samuel L. Jackson was cast as Nick Furry; a character who is white in the comics.  Why?  Because Nick Furry is not nearly as well known as the Fantastic Four.  Maybe if they tried casting a black guy as Batman there would be some definite backlash.

A few notes about this movie and movies in particular:

For all of you claiming the Fantastic Four are "ruined" by casting Jordan as Johnny Storm, let me let you in on a little secret: nothing could ruin the Fantastic Four franchise any more than the last two movies.  I feel embarrassed that I actually spent money to see the first one in the movie theater.

The only legitimate gripe I could see here is that Sue Storm and Johnny Storm are supposed to be siblings and if one of them is white and the other is black it doesn't really work as well as it could.  You either have to pretend race doesn't exist or explain it by changing the story.  Which brings me to my bigger point.

When you take a form of media (like a book or comic book) and adapt it to another form (like a movie or TV show), it's an interpretation.  Always and every time.  Stuff gets changed, some of it gets cut, or stuff gets added in.  And to be honest, that's great.  It's why I love both the Christopher Nolan Batman movies as well as the Tim Burton ones.

So I don't care if you want to change a character's back story.  Or if you want to make him black instead of white.  Or Asian, or Indian, or anything else.  And I also don't care if you want to keep his racial background the same.  It makes no difference to me.

Just make sure your movie is better than the Fantastic Four movies were.

One More Time About the Damn Friendzone

I swear this topic is like 3-4 defense vs the 4-3.  So many people throwing out supposedly "enlightened", "intelligent" analysis of it, without actually understanding what the hell their actually analyzing.  The latest example can be found here on Jezebel.  Another person who just doesn't get it.

Here's the deal: the "friendzone" is nothing but a situation in which one party has sexual and/or romantic feelings for the other party which that other party doesn't reciprocate.  The reason it is referred to as a "zone" is that the other person is pretty much never going to feel that way about you.  Maybe someone somewhere has turned platonic feelings into romantic ones, but it pretty much never happens.  You're better off trying to win the lottery.

Now, the above doesn't sound too controversial.  It's just unrequited love, right?  Well, yes and no.  There are some "issues" that sometimes arise in such situations.  Sometimes, Person A realizes that Person B likes them (likes them likes them) and figures out that they could manipulate those feelings for their own personal gain.  You know, like get you to buy them stuff or watch their cat for them, or help them move furniture, etc.  And they never reciprocate, nor do they ever plan to.  When you need to bum a ride because your car broke down they are nowhere to be found (conveniently).

On the other end of the spectrum is the situation in which Person B likes Person A, and because of that can't really be "just friends" with them.  It's at this point where a lot of observers (women, mostly) get offended.  They feel like this person (if they are indeed a good person) should be able to put their feelings aside and be a good friend, otherwise it displays entitlement attitude and shows that they don't see them as a person (aka the "friendzoned man" is a secret sexist).  It's at this point I have to roll my eyes.

I'm going to be honest, if I like you, and you don't like me, it's going to be extremely difficult for me to be a good friend to you.  I don't mean that I"m going to trash talk about you or belittle you or whatever, I mean I'm not going to want to spend time with you.  At least for a little while.  It's too painful, especially if you end up dating someone else and you start bringing them along on group gatherings or talk about them to me or others around me.  At the moment the emotions are too raw for me to put those aside and carry forth with a normal friendship as if I had never had those feelings.  Eventually?  Yeah most likely.  But certainly not at first.  And you're going to have to get over that.  Emotions are not logical, they don't make sense they don't always end up being polite or kind.  If that offends you, well, you're going to have a hard time getting on in this world.

I guess I should mention the PUA aspect of this.  What's happened is that a mythos has developed about the friendzone.  The idea being that you only end up in the friendzone if you do things "wrong" in your interactions with women.  And that if you start doing things "right" you'll never end up there.  The reality is that there is a kernel of truth there.  Some men don't make their interest known and as a result some women think that these men aren't interested and move on.  Either they start dating someone else or they don't develop feelings for these men when they might otherwise have if their feelings had been known from the beginning.  PUAs get the rest wrong, but that piece right there is pretty spot on.

Now, maybe I hang out with the wrong crowd (or the right one, depending on your perspective) but I've never had a guy tell me that he had hung out with a girl or spent hours on the phone with her or spend lots of money on her and felt like she "owed" him sex or a relationship.  Not once.  Not even in high school.  And if a guy ever did tell me that, I'd tell him he was a moron beyond any comprehensible level.  That's a fact. And I've known some pretty douchey people in my time, let me tell you.

This is part and parcel of one of the fascinating things I've witnessed on the internet.  This strange idea that any guy who complains about not being able to get a date or how no woman likes him, must be a sexist (either overtly or covertly).  It's as if these people haven't stepped outside their homes to see what kind of men many women are dating now (and likewise what kind of women men are dating).  Take a tour of your local women's abuse shelter and it will dispel the myth that sexist men can't get dates (assuming that "dateless losers" are in fact sexist).

Yes, women and men can be friends.  Sometimes they can be genuine friends even if one party has romantic feelings for the other.  But, it's not always easy for some people.  And yes, sometimes a guy might be in the "friendzone" and have no interest in being there.  For any number of legitimate, non-sinister reasons.  Do us all a favor, and stop trying to make the friendzone thing about something it isn't.

The Continued Allure of Online Dating

Like most people, when I'm not satisfied with a good or service, I stop purchasing it.  You know, you go to a restaurant, the food sucks, or the tables are always dirty, or the service is lacking.  You don't go back.  It's a pretty typical process.  Yeah sure, sometimes you go get a refund, but the point is you don't make that same mistake again.

For me, and so many others I'd imagine, online dating defies that simple logic laid out above.  I have been nothing but dissatisfied and disappointed in dating sites over the past 4 years.  I rarely get replies, rarely get dates, and obviously no relationships, so they could hardly be said to be worthy of my continued participation and support.

And yet, I keep using them.  Not just using them, but joining more of them.  Desperately seeking out more avenues in an effort to find what I'm looking for.  I've used (or am using): Tinder, POF, Okcupid, Zoosk, Match, Chemistry, Howaboutwe, datehookup, mingle2, and some college singles site that I've only been on once because it was too confusing.  The real puzzle is why?  Why can't I just stop using dating sites?  Is it an addiction (similar to the so-called "porn addiction" that so many young men are supposed to have)?  What is it?

I think I have an answer.  At least for me.

Online dating sites provide a database of sorts.  A database of single people, with some photos, general description of themselves, and general geographic location and somewhat of an assurance that not only are these people single, but they are at least interested enough in a relationship to post a profile online.  Plus, since you're both on a dating site, the assumption is you're interested in romance, not platonic friendship.  No awkward "I didn't know you liked me" situations.

If you're not good at dating and flirting and all of that, being on a dating site is almost like being in college again.  You have lots of potential dating prospects all at your fingertips.

Unfortunately though, that doesn't translate into good results.  For a variety of reasons that plenty of other people have pointed out in other publications.  I'm not blaming the sites themselves.  I've joined enough of them to realize that the problem is me, not the sites.

But, here I am, on a Sunday morning, drinking coffee and scrolling through POF hoping that I can get somebody decent to go on a date with me.

So far, not so good.