Anyone who follows this blog with any kind of regularity, knows I've been gone a while. Not so far gone that you wonder whether I'm still alive or not, but long enough that you might wonder what's been going on in my life.
In the time I've been away I've had a lot to think about. About who I am, what I want in life, and whether or not I can ever be truly happy. A lot of this has been brought on by Becky's return to my life. A woman I've long regarded as "the woman of my dreams". Someone I'd give most of my vital organs to be with, but who could never say anything even remotely resembling that in return.
That however, had appeared to change over the past two months, as chronicled here. And the past two weeks in particular were especially good. Better than anything I could ever have imagined. Lots of "I love yous" and "I love you toos" were exchanged. Smileys and laughter and just staring at each other smiling. I know it's not in real life, it's only exchanged over an internet connection, but I can honestly say I know the answer to Rod Stewart's question in "Some Guys Have All the Luck": how does it feel when the girl next to you says she loves you? And boy, does it feel good.
To be quite honest, it felt too good to be true. I've never had any girl I liked ever like me back, let alone someone as amazing as Becky.
And today, those fears seemed to come true. We had yet another unfortunate conversation about how she's unsure about whether her feelings for me are romantic in nature, or something else. The fairy tale ending with me and her riding off into the sunset is not at this point a realistic one. To be honest, I panicked a bit. I probably sounded like a scared, whiny bitch on the phone with her. In hindsight, I should have maintained my composure. I still have a while to charm her into feeling for me and besides, I need to have confidence that once she meets me she'll know that she can't live without me.
Still though, I can't shake that feeling that I'm cursed. That I've been played for a fool yet again. And I can't stop it. I'm in love with her and I will be for the rest of my life. What's worse is that I think she's ruined women and dating for me forever. If she is playing me, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to believe someone when they say they love me ever again. Only time will tell if my fears are legitimate, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.
So where does that leave this blog? Well for now I think I'm done writing on here. For now. Not forever. If things work out with Becky I'll definitely post a series of followups to let everyone know what's going on, just as I promised. But this blog can sometimes bring out the worst in me. My worst neurosis, my fears, my cynicism, everything that will not in any way help me work my way through the Becky situation. So I need to step away for a while.
I do read the comments, so feel free to comment her any thoughts you have or pieces of advice. I don't always take every piece of advice I get (mostly because I'm a stubborn moron) but I like reading and considering the advice nonetheless.
So for now, I bid adieu.