2013: A Year in Review

Ah, another lousy year for me.  I don't know how your's was, but I can add another 12 months to my pathetic existence.

The year started out with a funeral.  One of my good friends from college had a parent pass away.  I won't say which parent so as to not give this away, and the passing wasn't sudden, it was the end of a long illness.  So not surprising, but sad nonetheless.

February and March saw me really start to kick it into high gear with the fitness stuff.  Those were some pretty critical months since the winter is when I tend to crave carbs and loathe cardio more than normal.

In April I went to a fundraising event for a local tutoring company.  The company I work for was a sponsor so I had to make the rounds and be sociable.  Met a woman there, who was cute, but drunk.  I gave her my business card when she asked for it but I obviously never heard from her again.  For the best I suppose.

In May I went on the first date I'd been on since early 2011.  Met her from a dating site.  We had coffee in her neighborhood (which was a trek for me) and had a relatively nice time.  But, as I made my way home she emailed me on the website to tell me she wasn't interested in seeing me further.  You win some you lose some I guess.  Nice girl, shame it didn't work out.  I also saw Iron Man 3 in May.  An ok movie, but like Iron Man 2, nowhere near as good as the first movie.  The whole Avengers subplot has kind of ruined some of the Marvel movies I think.

June and July were pretty uneventful.  Went to some ball games, did some stuff, but nothing too spectacular.

August: saw The Wolverine.  Great movie, highly recommend it, especially now since it's out on DVD and BluRay.  I also got a job.  Started out well, but then got really shitty.  That's life I suppose.

September: had a great time at two ballgames.  Including one in which I got to take several friends with me.

October: went to the first Halloween party I've ever been to.  A lot of driving, and it was great to see my friends.  But it wasn't like I met any women or anything.

November: quit my shitty job, went back to my old one (with a raise at least).  Joined a new gym (which is a great gym by the way).

December: went to my friend's birthday dinner, got some good Christmas presents.  That's about it.

I'm still inexperienced.  Just FYI.  If any ladies want to kiss me I'm certainly down.  Just a kiss (maybe make out if you want to, but I'm just looking to have my first kiss).  I'd like to kiss a girl by the end of the year.  Which gives me what, a couple of days to get that done?  Ugh.

So, how was your year?  Shitty like mine?  Better than mine?  Did you actually kiss anyone? Let me know.

Question Time

So I've been dipping into my mail bag searching for good questions (as always, email me your questions at theinexpguy@gmail.com) and the one that pops up the most is "why are you so negative?".

Well, let me explain why.  I might not be the most experienced guy out there, but I've learned a few things here and there by observing people and relationships.  Granted, that can only teach you so much, but it reveals some things and can be very insightful.

People are shitty.  Not just in how they treat others, but also how they treat themselves.  I've seen men fall all over themselves trying to keep their wife or girlfriend happy even though they'd probably be better off ditching the situation.  I've seen women stick with true assholes despite the fact that they could get any man in the world.  And when I talk about "asshole" behavior, I'm not talking about "he didn't call at 5 pm like he said he would, he called at 5:15", I'm talking about things like he cheated or beat you up, or is a drunk deadbeat who got pulled over 3 times already for a DUI.

Obviously, it's the latter part that truly truly sticks in my crawl.  I can't tell you how many guys I've seen or heard about who have a truly great girlfriend or wife, but somehow feel the need to cheat on her.  And then, bizarrely, the woman in question invariably takes him back (often with excuses).  I mean you have got to be fucking kidding me.  That piece of trash can get multiple women pining for him and I'm lucky if I get a date once a year?  That's the kind of stuff that really bothers me.  And it's why I often don't bother approaching women because I feel like I'm not that guy.  I'm not going to cause you drama or cheat on you or whatever and that makes me boring, it makes me not a challenge and not a good catch.  It doesn't matter how much we have in common or how good looking I may or may not be, I'm just not the kind of guy that inspires that kind of real attraction.

In fact, it's not just inspiring attraction.  I have a hard time getting women to want to go out on a date, talk on the phone, skype, etc.  It's really like pulling teeth.  I've never asked for naked pics, never sent naked pics, and on all my messages on dating sites I offer more than just a "hey how are you?" type of message.  I always feel like I'm an annoyance rather than welcome attention.  Maybe if I was more of an asshole, or more of a threat to cheat or whatever I'd have better luck.

I know some of you will shake your head at this.  And that's fine.  I understand I have a small sample size, etc.  But it's an undeniable fact that I'm still single, as I have been for my entire adult life, and I've yet to meet a real douchey guy who had trouble getting dates.  So if you want to know why I'm so negative, that's why.

As always feel free to email, comment, tweet me, submit questions via facebook or tumblr.

A Rather Negative Post

I recently had a conversation with someone over relationship/romantic inexperience.  I revealed that I had not kissed a girl and I was 25 years old, and how they would feel about a hypothetical 25 year old kissless virgin.

Her reaction was something along the lines of "whoever you end up with one day will find it sweet that she's your first kiss", etc.

I'm sorry, I have to say it's bullshit.  Most women my age expect an experienced man.  Not necessarily a sex god of some sort, but that he at least knows what he's doing when it comes to kissing, holding hands, being in a relationship, etc.  I know because I've had women tell me as much.  If a woman finds out a guy has never kissed she'll head for the hills as quickly as humanly possible.

I know, I know, not every single woman would react that way.  There might be a handful here or there who are sexually inexperienced themselves (for various reasons) who might prefer inexperienced men, but honestly that's so few and far between.  We're talking about most women, and by "most" I mean somewhere along the lines of 90% or more.

I appreciate words of encouragement, or at least, I appreciate the motivation behind them.  But, I really don't like people who want to give me (or anyone else) false hope.  I know being older and inexperienced is weird.  I know it turns women off a lot.  I don't need you telling me some girl will find it "sweet".  Let's be real here: ain't no one going to find that sweet.

Race and Dating Post #985 (or something)

Anyone who has read this blog understands that I don't have this problem, but really, is there something inherently evil about wanting to date your own race?  

I ask this because it's a recurring theme I read on the popular blog Nice Guys of Okcupid.  It's supposedly a sign of douchbaggery if you say on your profile that you'd strongly prefer to date someone of your own race or ethnicity.  

Now, I get it.  It's great to be open minded and open to dating anyone.  It really is.  And obviously me being strongly into non-white women I can't imagine strongly preferring to date someone from my own ethnic background.  But, lots of people have all kinds of standards.  Hair color, height, income level, education, political views, musical tastes, drinking vs non-drinking lifestyle, religion, why is it any less legitimate to prefer someone of your own racial background?  

I know the obvious answer is that such an attitude is merely a dog whistle for racism.  I'm not convinced though.  Sure, some people might just be racist, but a lot of people are just not attracted to people from different races.  And obviously some people aren't attracted to their own race.  It's the differences that make this world great.  

From what it looks like Nice Guys of Okcupid has a bit of an ideological bent.  So perhaps this is just a result of someone grinding an ax.  But I want to know: is there anything wrong with preferring to date your own race?  Or even preferring to date other races?  

I'm just not seeing the boogie man here.  But maybe I'm not seeing something...

For Those Starting or Going Back to School

Well, I've decided on the book I'm going to write.  It's going to be an advice book for young people, in particular those going off to college (so either 18 year old high school graduates or slightly older people getting ready to transfer from community college to a four year university).  I hope to have it finished and available for sale by March or April 2014.  So we'll see what happens.

For now, I"ll give you guys just a taste of what that book will contain with this post, which as far as I'm aware is the first time on this blog where I will dispense advice rather than solicit it.  In honor of this being the first day of school for many students, I'm going to give some advice for high school and college kids.

High School:

If you're a Freshman, just make it through.  Get good grades, have fun enjoy yourself.  This is about as awkward a time you will have in high school.  Don't sweat it, most people won't remember half the stuff they did Freshman year and the other half will find it amusing.

Sophomores and Juniors: continue to get good grades.  Don't take too many AP classes or join too many clubs or play every sport just because you think it will look good on your college resume.  Just join the ones you care about.  Pay attention in English class, even if you hate the books you have to read, knowing what they're about is a pretty good thing to know and the ability to write is a crucial skill.

Seniors: this is the best time you'll have in high school.  For me, I had early release everyday (getting out at 2 instead of 3:30 was great) and finally had a good circle of friends and teachers who knew and liked me (and not in the "suckup" kind of way either).

For all of you, I suggest not getting too caught up in any guys or girls.  If you find one you like, cool.  If not, it's no big deal.  You'll meet a lot more people as you grow up.

College:

I know it's a little late for some of you guys reading this, since most US schools started about 2-3 weeks ago.  Assuming anyone is reading this.  Interestingly enough, most of the advice I gave to high schoolers applies to you too.

Don't be so uptight, don't take yourself too seriously, and don't worry about sex.  Also, most people you meet aren't half as confident as they appear to be.  So don't be intimidated by them.  Join some fun sounding clubs (like tennis club for example) and just relax.  It's an easier time than high school for sure.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

Feeling a bit melancholy today, which is not entirely unusual for me.  I got a job (orientation was today), for those of you who remember that I last worked in the early summer of 2011.  It's a sales associate position, same kind I had before, just with a different company.  It's "full time", in that I'll get somewhere between 35 and 40 hours per week, but it's hourly not salary, and still not enough to live on my own.  But it's money, so here I am.

This post today is more about how, I don't know, sad I feel.  I feel overqualified for this job.  I feel like I'm wasting my time doing it.  I don't want to be in retail, but I don't feel like I have a choice, you know?  Between this and the quite obvious problem I have with my love life, I feel like my life is no where like what I imagined it would be at this point.

I thought I'd go into public policy, like a think tank or government work.  And then maybe head into academia.  I had a bit of a falling out, and to be honest my grades kind of slipped due to what I think was/is probably depression.  Regardless, I'm not at the stage of life I thought I'd be.

I really need help figuring out how to get a career.  I really don't want to be in retail sales, I'd much prefer to be doing something where I could use my (hopefully superb) intellect and creativity.  I cringe at the thought of starting work for this company.

On top of all that, I'm going to be working full time and it won't even be enough to live independently.  I think I could at least sacrifice happiness for self-sufficiency.

In any case, I feel down tonight.  I don't see how that's going to change.

So readers, are you where you thought you'd be?  Any advice for a aspiring young professional, without any actual, um, professional experience?

It's More Than A Feeling

I forgot how this felt.  That sort of knot in your stomach, lump in your throat, feel like a 12 year old, nervous wreck.  That feeling.  It's been a while.

Most of my interactions with women in the romantic realm consisted of reading dating profiles on Okcupid and sending messages out, hoping I said the right words or was just witty enough to warrant a response.  Aside from driving you insane, that kind of approach sucks a lot of fun out of the world.  It really turns dating into a job hunt.  Blech.

That said, I'd like to think I'm at the age where you stop having crushes and you start you know, actually acting on your feelings.  That magical transformation that occurs sometime between middle school and middle age.

So I guess you could say I have a crush on someone.  First time I've ever really been able to forget about the girl who broke my heart almost 5 years ago.  You know, the one who always gave me the hot and cold treatment.  But anyway, this girl is absolutely gorgeous, funny, great smile, and has the kind of sense of self I've always found attractive.  In short, pretty damn near perfect.  If she is single, I can only assume it's because she chooses to be.  Any guy would count his lucky stars to be dating her.

I assume that she knows who she is.  Especially if she's reading this right now.  I'd like to assume that if I knew her better or was closer in proximity to her, I'd ask her on a date, but given my seemingly uncanny ability to dither and second guess myself and routinely seize defeat from the jaws of victory, I can't exactly say that for certain.  Plus, I'm sure she has much better men to choose from.  I suppose I'll have to settle for an admiration from afar.

Such is the life of The Inexperienced Guy.

Thoughts About Intercultural/Interfaith Relationships

As a guy who is highly attracted to brown girls, one issue that almost invariably pops up is interfaith and intercultural relationships (since I'm a white guy).

I hate stereotyping, so what I'm going to do is talk about some of the things that I've noticed.  I don't mean these to be things that can or should be extrapolated out to people as a whole.  So if this doesn't describe you, please, feel free to let me know in the comments.

First of all, let me preface what I'm going to say with this: I'm an open minded guy.  Nominally, I'm a Christian, but it's not something that I'm deeply religious about.  I don't go to church (haven't been in almost 6 years), I don't go around talking about abortion or gays or trying to convert people.  I believe in God and Jesus and the Bible and all of that, but I'm not a "bible thumper".  I'm a white guy, yes, but I'm pretty open minded about doing things involving other cultures, trying different food, doing different celebrations, and so on.  So I have no particular problem dating a woman who is not Christian or does things differently than "normal" families do.

So if, for example, I was dating a Muslim woman who wanted me to fast with her during Ramadan and celebrate Eid with her and her family, I would have absolutely no objection.  If she wanted me to abstain from alcohol and pork products, no issue.  If I was married to her and she wanted our children raised Muslim, again, no issue.  With a caveat: as long as I was accorded the same treatment.  Meaning, if I wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family I could do so.  If she had any big objection, it's not like I would make her celebrate, just as long as I could.

So, as long as you're ok with interfaith or intercultural relationships, I am.

All of that being said, I wonder how many "brown girls" are open to intercultural or interfaith dating?  Here in the US it is really hard to say how often they are.  Obviously everyone is an individual and most people in general prefer to date someone from a similar background as themselves (in a number of ways) so I don't want to make this sound like I'm picking on any particular group of people.  Still though, I would say you're much more likely to see an East Asian-White or Hispanic-White couple than an Indian-White or Middle Eastern-White couple.  Of course, perhaps I have some selection bias.

I imagine maybe some of it has to do with family compatibility.  After all, if you got married, both families would have to be there for the wedding ceremony.  Sometimes extended relatives might be less open minded than we'd like.  It's a tough thing to balance out.

So, for all you readers out there, no matter what culture or religion you belong to, what is your opinion of intercultural or interfaith relationships?  Are you open to them?  Why or why not?  Is it because you are worried about your partner's open mindedness?  Or your own?  Or perhaps family conflicts?

Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

Oh the Trials of Creative Content

I don't know how you vloggers do it.  How you share your lives, embarrassing moments and all, on the internet for all to see without feeling weird about it.  Most of you guys have become quasi-public figures without the great pay of being a celebrity

I just sat downstairs in my house for 40 minutes recording 6 minutes of audio for a podcast I'm thinking about doing.  After listening to it, I feel kind of ridiculous.

Writing on here is pretty easy.  I don't have to worry about how my voice sounds, whether what I'm saying sounds ridiculous, or anything.  I just put words on a (digital) page and then let the dust settle where it may.  Sometimes it's just a place to dump my thoughts without, sometimes I try to be more profound.  Either way I have a pretty easy way to edit what I say and make it sound more precise and clean.

On a recording device?  No chance.  At least that's how I feel.  I strongly prefer the written medium.

I think I'm going to table the podcast for now.  Unless I can get enough people interested in being a guest on it.  I think I'd like to talk about things with another person (probably via skype or something similar) rather than me just talking to myself about something for a half an hour or 15 minutes.

Anyway, I greatly admire what many of you have been able to do.  Not just by the quality of your content, but the ability to put yourselves out there without being awkward.  Hopefully some of that will rub off on me.

Ideological Turing Test: Experience Edition

Based on Bryan Caplan's idea of an Ideological Turing Test I decided to give it a go.

Today, the Inexperienced Guy has been replaced by his evil twin Experienced Guy.  Ask me anything on love, sex, life, relationships, kissing, whatever.  And we'll see how well Experienced Guy does in convincing you of his life and love experience.  

Self-Reflective Post #187: The Concept of Fear

From time to time I like to think about why I'm in the spot I'm in.  This blog only exists because of it.  If I was like any normal red blooded young American male I wouldn't be writing half the stuff I write about.  And if I was writing about the other half it would be from a totally different perspective.

I'd like to think that makes this blog special and unique, like a snowflake.  The more logical side of me thinks it just makes it easier to ignore or dismiss.  After all, inexperience isn't often something to brag about.

In any case, I have to admit women scare me.  Not in the sense that I think a woman will kidnap me and turn into Kathy Bates from Misery, but scared in the sense that I fear their judgment of me or their derision.  Or something along those lines.  I often like to blame my problems on ignorance or (dare I say it) inexperience, but fear is probably half of the equation.

I wasn't born this way.  At least I don't think I was.  The fear is probably the result of several failed experiences trying to attract women over the years.  And I mean failure in a real sense not failure in that women don't come up to me and seduce me.  I remember the first time a girl found out I liked her.  I was in 4th grade and I told a friend of mine that I liked one of our classmates.  When she found out the immediate response was to avoid me like the plague.  That hurt.  A lot.  The only way I was even able to get her to talk to me again was by convincing her that it was all a joke started by my friend.  And it took weeks for that to happen.

Looking back with the luxury of 15 years of maturity, I don't exactly know what I expected to happen.  4th graders don't exactly date (or do they?) or become couples or anything.  What I do know is that the disgust and recoil were not good feelings.  And unfortunately it would not be the last time that would happen.

In fact, there hasn't been a single time in which a girl I liked liked me back.  Not a single one.  And we're not talking about elementary school crushes either.  I remember senior year of high school, me and my best friend liked the same girl.  When she found out he liked her, she politely declined his overtures.  When she found out I liked her?  Avoidance.  We went from decent friends to total strangers practically overnight.  Things never went back to normal either.  The girl from college who gave me lots of signals and hung out with me all the time?  I tried to hold her hand and she pulled it back as if she had just placed her hand on an open flame.

That stuff stings.  And it makes you start to equate expressing your feelings with being tortured at Guantanamo Bay.  Because that's how it feels.  Not only will she reject me, but she'll treat me like the worst human being alive.  Nobody wants to be that person.

This isn't to say that I don't have other problems.  I certainly have a complex about my inexperience (I'm sure it would be shocking for an average woman to meet a 25 year old guy who had never kissed before) and I am ignorant about a lot of male-female dynamics like flirting and touch.  But the fear is the biggest issue.

Honestly, I don't know how to get rid of it.  I think it's easy for an outsider to dismiss it as irrational, but it's a reaction to very real events that have happened to me.  Ideally, a great first step would be for a woman I like to reciprocate my feelings, but at the very least I think I'd like it if a girl I was interested in would simply be ok with the fact that I liked her.  Even if they didn't share my feelings, at least not treat me like a horrible person who kills kittens on the weekend.  Little things like that might help me start to rebuild my confidence and get over my fears.

Don't hold your breath though.

Maybe Women Are Just Attracted To Guys Like Anthony Weiner

Anthony Weiner admitted on Tuesday that he had not given up his sexting hobby after his resignation from congress two years ago.

First and foremost I want to express my sympathy to Huma Abedin.   It must suck to be such an accomplished woman and be overshadowed by your spouse, not for anything he's actually done professionally, but because he sent pictures of his privates electronically to several women.  At least if you're Brett Favre's spouse, you can say he's most famous for his professional career, not his side show personal life.

I really have to wonder, how does a smart, attractive, accomplished woman end up with someone like Anthony Weiner?  I understand why she probably won't divorce him (barring any more serious allegations), being a high profile couple  and all of that.  But, guys like Weiner don't just spring the sexting out of nowhere.  There's a certain culture of behavior that goes hand in hand with something like this.  A way a guy acts that tells you he's going to be a jerk.

This situation plays itself out over and over again in various ways.  It's one of those things I've noticed.  It's not that all women like men who act like complete and utter assclowns, but rather the assclowns never seem to be hard up for dates or women clamoring to be with them (either sexually or in a committed relationship).  I can only conclude that there's something widely attractive about a guy like Anthony Weiner.  And it's not just about the sexting specifically: guys who cheat, or who are known players always leave a trail of heartbroken women in their wake.  They shouldn't, but they always do.  Weiner being the perfect example.

So I guess, what I'm asking is what is it about these type of men that women seem to find so attractive?  Why is it that women are usually repulsed by seemingly desperate or clingy men (even if these men tend to hide it) but aren't repulsed by men who cheat or sext?

I don't really want to hear that only "low quality" or "only young immature women" go after those types of men.  Because I'd use Ms. Abedin as exhibit A for why that assertion can't be true.  Ms. Abedin was a catch in every sense of the term: beautiful, smart, accomplished, and wasn't immature (she's in her 30s).  It just seems like if you want a safe and secure romantic life, you might as well become like Anthony Weiner.  Again, it's not that being a good guy will ensure a life of celibacy, but we're talking about playing the odds.  The odds are clearly not in the good guys favor.  At least from all the evidence I've seen.

On the other hand, I suppose we have just become so screwed up as a society that we have no idea how to properly handle relationships now.  Or what to really expect or look for in a romantic partner.  Maybe that's why people go for men and women who are less than admirable.

I'd like to think Ms. Abedin could do much better than Anthony Weiner.  But I'm scared that maybe men like Mr. Weiner are the "better men", and that's why she married him and is staying with him.

I really hope I'm wrong though.

The Hookup Culture Part II

Well, as it turns out, not everyone is keen on hookups.  The Guardian posted an article yesterday written by a woman who graduated from the University of Pennsylvania a few years ago.  It's an interesting read, and casts a critical eye on the hookup culture that was more or less celebrated in the New York Times piece.

As usual, I'm surprised.  This kind of thing is something I've really never encountered myself.  Perhaps I was out of the loop socially, or had friends who had a functioning moral compass (or, depending on your prerogative, were lame), but the scenes depicted in this article were not something I witnessed in the 5 years I went to college.  I'm not sure whether to feel like I missed out, or relieved that I didn't experience any of these shenanigans.

To clarify though: I went to a commuter school that had the campus life of a retirement home, and most of the students were looking to be big movers and shakers; internships and second and third jobs didn't really leave time for wild parties or getting smashed and having sex.  I'm willing to bet college life for me was a bit different than it was for other people.

I mean I know people who hooked up.  Well, a few people, not a lot, but a few.  A good friend of mine had a few hookups sandwiched between long term committed relationships.  He wasn't a drinker, nor did he go to many parties (if any) and the hookups took place at his house, not exactly the context Ms. Jalabi described in her article.  I'm not him, but from what he told me, these weren't all great experiences.  One girl changed her mind after they got started (but not too far), one girl was just horrible at "technique" (in his words), and another hook up permanently damaged a longtime friendship he and the girl had.

What Ms. Jalabi is describing though is a different situation.  Namely that young people, together for four years in a closed environment, often fueled by drugs and alcohol, make decisions they regret (or were never sober enough to make in the first place).  And rather than being driven by female empowerment, is actually a trend that hurts women the most.

I don't know.  I think men and women don't make good decisions when drunk or high.  And certainly a bunch of men and women don't make good decisions collectively when not sober.  So I'm not sure how to allocate blame here.  College kids aren't going to stop going to parties, and they're not going to start taking relationships seriously at 18-20 years old either (in general of course, not talking about universally).  So I don't know what to say except to encourage people to make better decisions.  Probably lowering the drinking age to 18 would help, since young people would take their drinking to bars and clubs, rather than the confines of frat houses or other private and secluded venues.  I doubt that's an acceptable solution to anyone though.

I've come to the conclusion that the "hookup culture" is here to stay.  And it's probably good for some people and bad for others.

Please, feel free to leave a comment.  What do you think of the hookup culture?  Any direct experiences?  Third party observations?

Thoughts on the "Hookup Culture"

The New York Times recently published a story on the "hookup culture".  I figure I'd go ahead and lend a critical eye on the entire concept, being a guy who doesn't participate in such a culture, nor benefit from it in any way.

For those who don't know, the "hookup culture" is basically a type of relationship between people that revolves entirely (or almost entirely) around sex.  Sometimes an ongoing relationship like a friends with benefits thing, sometimes a one night stand, and sometimes sex that one party or the other hopes is actually indicative of something more.

I've always been a relationship minded guy.  The idea of sleeping with someone I wouldn't otherwise want to be around never appealed to me.  I also grew up with the understanding that the best time to look for relationships was in college.  It was in college that women appreciated men who were smart and had a good future in front of them.  Plus, you were likely to meet women who had a good deal in common with you.  Unlike high school where everyone (men and women) were largely immature, short sighted, and had no idea what they really wanted in life.  All good points I think, I can't imagine anyone thinking that any of those last points are off base.

I also come from a part of the country where people pretty much stay in the area even after graduating.  Very few people move far away.  That's probably because this is one of the few parts of the country that didn't completely die after the recession of 2008-09.  Consequently, dating in college is a lot less risky since you'll probably have no problem staying together after graduation.  This is most likely why I know quite a few people my age who are married (and contrary to the stereotype, are college educated and working professionals).

So all of that said, I have a hard time relating to people who feel like hooking up is a great alternative to messy breakups or broken hearts.  Or even a detriment to your career.  Because for the married women I know, it's not in any way a detriment.

Again, sample size and selectivity bias.

There are some things, attitudes I guess, that concern me about this whole concept though.  For one, the idea that someone could spend their 20s hooking up, and that willing, appealing partners will be around when you get to your 30s and want to "settle down".  It goes for both genders I guess, but the difference is that older men can fairly easily settle down with younger women, whereas that's not generally a trend you see with women.  Beyond that, it seems, kind of presumptuous.  What if the marriage minded men in their 30s don't want to marry women who spent their 20s hooking up?  What if those men are already married?  What if the women who spent their 20s hooking up end up getting to their 30s and all the men who are single are either divorcees or inexperienced guys (virgins perhaps?) like myself?

College is probably the only time in your life that you will be around other people of similar age, background and life goals for a prolonged period of time.  I know it might be hard trying to figure out what you want out of a relationship when you're 18 or 19, or even that the prospect of dating someone for 3 or 4 years and having to figure out how to coordinate your lives will be hard, but you know what?  Life's tough.  There's no guarantee that it's going to be any easier in 8-10 years.  And there's no guarantee that life is going to sit and wait for you to be ready.

I'm not trying to say whether you should or shouldn't go for hookups.  I'm a live and let live kind of guy.  If you want to hook up, go hook up.  But don't do it because you think relationships are too hard or you're just going to wait for them become easier.  Because they don't get easier.  They probably get harder.

Chloe Angyal's Not-So-Helpful Critique of PUA

I'm not an expert at dating.  Though I suppose like Earl Weaver's failed baseball playing career, that doesn't mean I can't deliver some insights.  Especially have the background that I have.

I recently read a blog post on thoughcatalog by a woman named Chloe Angyal on the topic of picking up women.  I think she's has some points, but more or less misses a lot in her critique of Pick Up Artist Ken Hoinsky (and by extension the pickup community in general).

I'm going to quote the relevant parts and give my response.

"Don’t follow the advice of pickup artists.

Seriously, don’t. Unless you like handing over your hard-earned money to hucksters who are profiting from your totally reasonable apprehension about interacting with the opposite sex. In which case, be my guest. What’s the worst that could happen? (You could rape someone. That’s the worst that could happen)."

Well, yes.  PUAs are usually in it for the money.  And like most "self-help" books and publications (and college essays I might add) they're usually filled with mindless bullshit.  I think we can agree on that.

"Make eye contact. Listen. Nod, smile, ask and answer questions. You know, like you would in a regular conversation with a fellow human.

Be yourself. If you’re shy and nerdy, be shy and nerdy. If you’re outgoing and brash, be outgoing and brash. Very few people naturally have the instinct to insult or belittle fellow humans (pickup artists euphemistically call this “negging,” but let’s call it what it actually is), so if that’s not who you are, do not do it. And if you are one of those few people for whom “being yourself” means “insulting and belittling fellow humans,” finding someone to have sex with should not be your top priority right now."

I think there are two separate issues here.  One, is the topic of "negging".  Like going up to a gorgeous woman who says she models for a living and asking her if she models gloves or Halloween masks.  It's a backhanded compliment designed to make the other person think you're not trying to kiss their ass.  From what I've seen this doesn't really work unless a) the person thinks you're trying to be funny and insults you right back or b) they have really low self esteem and are susceptible to those kinds of tactics.

The second part, I think is totally wrong.  For shy, unsuccessful, and/or inexperienced men (like myself) talking to a girl like you would anyone else, and "being yourself" is going to get you nowhere.  Well, it might get you some acquaintances, but you won't get many (if any) dates.  If it did, this blog wouldn't exist.

"Similarly, they might be apprehensive because they, too, find it difficult and scary to talk to members of the opposite sex. Pickup artists often make women out to be all-knowing and highly discriminating sex-dispensers who reject guys for fun and entertainment. Generally speaking, we are not. On the contrary, we are shy or nerdy or outgoing or brash people, just like you, who enjoy spending time with and sometimes having sex with people we find engaging and attractive. We get nervous about talking to you, too."

Actually, I've mostly seen women describe themselves that way, especially on online forums.  Women often assert that they can tell if a guy is "desperate" or "clingy" or "awkward and inexperienced".  Like almost a sixth sense.

Women do feel nervous, however it's usually around men they are attracted to, not around men they aren't.  I have personally never interacted with a woman and got the impression she was nervous.  Disinterested?  Yes.  Nervous?  Never.  I have seen women interact with other men and knew immediately that they were nervous or shy.  So I do know the difference.

"Don’t make “getting laid” your number one priority. Women are brought up believing that men only want one thing from them, and we’re pleasantly surprised when men contradict that conventional wisdom. Be pleasantly surprising and unconventional. If you’re simply looking to get off, stay home with your porn; if you’re looking to interact with other human beings, don’t put “come inside them” at the top of your to-do list."

Well, no one should make anything a top priority.  You don't want to force things since they rarely end up well that way.  You want to be patient and relaxed in pretty much every facet of life.

But, let's be honest, women are "pleasantly surprised" when a man who they think is interested in only sex turns out to want something more.  That guy with charisma and charm, and good looks, cool hobbies (and sometimes a good job though I think that's not as important nowadays) who can get any girl to sleep with him?  That's the guy you want to be seeking something more.  Not the shy inexperienced loser who'd marry the first girl who would agree to go on a date with him.

I'm not saying women are shallow, since I'm sure men have equal proclivities towards shallowness.  However, no one wants something they can easily obtain, they want something a little more challenging.

"Stop saying the words “friend zone.” Stop believing in the existence of a “friend zone.” Stop acting as though being friends with women is some kind of hellish existence you wouldn’t have to endure if only you had game. That’s insulting as hell, and it sorts women into two categories: friends and people you fuck. You know what a girlfriend is? A really good friend who you also have sex with."

I've seen this before, and it's total bullshit.  The problem with the "friend zone" isn't that you're forced into being friends with a girl, it's that someone you have a romantic or sexual feeling towards does not want the same and likely never will.  Sometimes that person offers genuine friendship, not as a consolation prize, but out of a genuine desire to be friends.  Sometimes, however, the "friendship" is really one party using the other for favors, gifts, or a shoulder to cry on with no intention on reciprocating.  In other words, you don't want to date Frank, but you know he really likes you and would do anything for you so you ask him to help you move furniture, but when he needs you to watch his cat one night you're nowhere to be found (intentionally I might add).

People don't like having their feelings manipulated and they don't usually like spending time with someone they like romantically who doesn't share those feelings.  It's like being on a diet on going to a cake shop.

Now, maybe you've met some men that think being friends with women is the worst thing ever.  But I haven't.  Most men I know have female friends.  I have female friends.  Some good friends, some minor friends.  One thing all of my female friends have in common though is that I'm not interested in them romantically or sexually.  If I were, I wouldn't be friends with them.  It would be too difficult.  That's the essence of the friend zone.  As far as I'm aware.

"Stop saying the words 'alpha male.' Stop believing in the existence of “alpha males.” This is not the Sahara or the tundra. You are not a lion or a stag. You are not competing with other men for the right to have sex with the best women. If you act like you are, neither men nor women are going to want to hang out with you."

 I don't know.  I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.  I think there is something to the alpha vs beta vs omega stuff, though I think much of the literature surrounding it is permeated by people trying to make a quick buck (like PUAs) rather than people trying to do real research on the matter.

"But if you walk around thinking of women at stereotypes, you’re going to be a stereotype yourself — the desperate guy who can’t get laid."

I think the "desperate guy who can't get laid" is already known and stereotyped.

"Pickup artistry is attractive because it promises to protect you from rejection, in part because (allegedly) it makes you less likely to be rejected and in part because (in reality) it encourages you to view women who reject you as sluts and bitches and who wants to sleep with them anyway? But rejection is part of interacting with other humans, so you should be prepared to experience it. It hurts, but it isn’t fatal."

I disagree.  In part.

Pickup artistry exists primarily because there is a market for it.  I'm sure it would take an entire book or series of them to figure out exactly why, but it's a fact that there's a market for PUAs that didn't exist before.

From what I can tell, PUAs are attractive to primarily two types of men: a) the men who want to have sex with many different types of physically attractive women and b) shy, inexperienced, late bloomers.

Type a) men are usually older (say late 30s or 40s) who either never married or married the first woman they could get to say yes.  As a result they feel resentment that they never got to experience the so called "frat boy" lifestyle in which you could have sex with lots of women and have an existing and fulfilling sex life (according to them).

Type b) men are usually post college aged men (say age 22 or so) who have reached an age when most of their peers have girlfriends or marriages and they still have never kissed or had sex or really dated.  Being a male virgin (let alone a guy who's never kissed a girl) is a shameful thing to admit.  And honestly, not many women are interested in dating a guy who is inexperienced.  When I look on Okcupid profiles or online message boards, or even among women I know, I have rarely ever heard a woman say she would be ok dating a guy who had never seriously dated before.  This puts late bloomers in a bit of a bind.

Let me be clear: PUA is not in any way the answer to the problems that these types of guys have.  However, it is an answer, and one of the few out there, especially for inexperienced guys.  Inexperienced guys got to the place they are precisely because they are "themselves" and "talk to women like anyone else". Along comes PUA saying "here's the solution" and like bloodletting in the 18th century, people eat it up.

It's easy to say "blood letting is stupid and doesn't work", but it's not helpful to someone who has no idea of any other options, because those options don't exist yet.

So yeah, PUA is not constructive.  But neither are Disney movie imperatives to "be yourself".

I'm Now on Facebook

I created a page on Facebook, you can find it here.  Like it, share it, tell all your friends about it.

Hopefully it can be a meeting place for the dateless lads and ladies out there as well as those who want to give us advice.  So I hope to see you there.

The Girl at the Pharmacy

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted.  I have a few posts I've worked on but they're kind of stuck in the editing process.  They seem flat to me so I've scrapped them for now.  What I'd like to talk about is a situation I have at the moment.

There's a girl who works at the pharmacy in one of the grocery stores I shop at.  We'll call her "Sarah".  She's worked there for a while, I'd say at least 2 years.  At my last job she'd come in every once and a while, most of the time she'd just walk around and buy nothing, though I think once she bought some wrapping paper or something of that nature.

In any case, whenever I'd go to the store I'd sort of steal glances of her if I walked by the pharmacy.  Most of the time I'm pretty sure she doesn't notice me at all.  I'm pretty sure on my last visit there, she did.  Obviously I can't be sure, but I just got this feeling that she know I was checking her out.  I could be wrong though.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I should do about this.  Yeah, I'd like to ask her out, but how?  Asking out the girl at the pharmacy counter is a bit like asking out the bank teller, nice idea but totally unrealistic.  I tried looking her up on facebook to see if she had a boyfriend, but no such luck.  Either she doesn't have a facebook account, or she hides it.

So, what to do?  I've only ever talked to her two or three times in my life, and never about anything except business.  The next time I'm picking up a medication for somebody do I chat her up, flirt a little?  Give her a note asking for her phone number/giving her mine?  I've never seen her anywhere except at the pharmacy or at my old job, so I have no idea where I'd run into her out in the world.

Advice?  I'm not sure how many readers I have on here, but any advice is welcome.

Online Dating: Why I tried it, and the problems

I thought I'd opine a little about the somewhat new phenomenon that is called online dating.  I have (or have had) accounts on a wide variety of websites, though I mostly use Okcupid and Plenty of Fish.  Both of which I have used off and on since 2007.

I got my first online dating account towards the end of my freshman year in college.  It's weird because most people assume that college is a nonstop barrage of orgies or people looking for a marriage partner.  It's not, or at least it wasn't at the place I went to school.  In any case, I wasn't meeting any women at my school and I wanted to start dating (many of my friends had started getting girlfriends).  I didn't know much about online dating at all so at first I just posted an account and waited for the girls to start messaging me.  Never happened obviously, so I took the initiative.  I exchanged messages with one girl who I never met and who eventually stopped responding to me before I had to delete my account when my mom found out I had one (she was concerned that I'd meet a serial killer or something).  So that was my first fumbling attempt at the online dating minefield.

Two and a half years later I rejoined Okcupid.  I was 22 and it was the summer before my last year of college.  I had enough of trying to meet girls in real life.  Between shyness and being rejected by the women I did have the courage of approaching I figured I'd use online dating to get some dates and maybe by getting some experience I'd build my confidence so if I didn't meet the girl of my dreams online I'd be able to go out and find her offline.  Boy was I wrong about that.

That summer and early fall were horrible.  I sent so many messages out but only received one in return.  That girl lived really nearby but she was big into recreational drugs (which while I think should be legal, I'm just not into) so that was never going to work.

Later in the fall I finally broke out with responses from what seemed to be two really cool girls.  One was a college student about 40 miles away (kind of long distance but I'd be ok with that for the right person) and the other was a young working professional who lived only 20 minutes from me and right near my college campus.  After exchanging messages with the first girl a couple of times, she finally revealed to me that while she liked talking to me and all, she was only interested in dating a guy from her own culture and race (Middle Eastern, Muslim).  That was fine and I respect that, I just wish she would have made that more clear on her profile or in her communications.

The second girl gave me her email, but then never responded when I wrote her an email.  Months later I messaged her on the site (instead of the email address she gave me) and she responded and we arranged to meet up.  After having to reschedule due to weather, we finally met up.  I wrote on here that I thought the date went horribly, but apparently not too horribly because she agreed to meet up again.  We agreed to a third date that she ended up canceling.  I called to reschedule, but she never returned any of my calls or text messages.  Them's the breaks I guess.

About 8 months later I messaged another girl on Okcupid.  She seemed receptive to meeting up, but whenever I'd ask her I'd receive another excuse (she's sick, she has to visit a friend far away, etc.).  And then she stopped responding to my messages.  By the end of 2011 I had enough of this aggravation and deactivated my account.

About three months later I was back.  I seriously thought about ignoring women, but I couldn't.  And I wasn't meeting anyone out in the real world so I figured I had to try meeting some online.  In that entire time I have had one woman agree to meet up, but when I messaged her saying when and where (and if she was free) she ignored me.  And that pretty much sums up my experience using dating sites.

Now that you have some background let me list some of the problems I have with it:

1. There's a huge disconnect between what women say they experience and what men say they experience.

Most women complain about online dating because they receive a copious amount of messages from men who clearly haven't read their profiles or who post half naked pictures of themselves (or pictures of their privates) or write overly sexual messages  (like "yo dat ass" or "hey sexy", etc.).

Men on the other hand complain that their heart felt, genuine messages and sincere reading of a woman's profile almost always goes unnoticed.  Spending half an hour writing a perfectly crafted first message that gets immediately deleted after being barely read isn't appealing after the first dozen or so times you do it.

2. The aforementioned problem with people not telling you about any disqualifiers.  If you join a site like POF or Okcupid or something like that you should expect that a wide variety of people are going to send you messages.  If you are only interested in people of your faith or ethnic background you should either make that clear in your profile (which in the case of Okcupid you can do that with your questions) or make it clear to the person who sent you the message by either a) telling them or b) not messaging back.  Nothing is more annoying than someone who pulls the rug out from under you halfway into the messaging process.

3. If you are not getting any responses within the first 3 weeks to a month just get off the dating sites.  It's not going to get better, and you are only going to end up in a pit of despair if you continue to message women unsuccessfully.

4. This is related to point 3, but I have found that my continued lack of success, and in particular the repeatedly ignored messages are starting to make me resent women.  I don't feel good enough for them, and the fact that they deem me not even worthy of meeting up for a simple cup of coffee (or even responding to a friendly first message) tells me something.  I don't want to resent women but I honestly can't help but feel that way.

5. A big, big problem with online dating is the lack of feedback.  In the real world you can interact with someone and figure out what they responded to and why.  It's also easier to get your foot in the door despite having some aspect of yourself turning them off and them refusing to communicate with you.  With online dating you have no idea why someone refused to respond to your message.  Perhaps they didn't like how you looked, or perhaps they didn't like the quality of your photos.  Maybe they didn't like the books you put in your "favorite books" list.  They could have just thought your message was lame and uninspiring, who knows.

I wish I knew more about computers or website design or website construction, because I'd love to make my own dating site where I could fix some of the problems I listed here.  As it is though I've decided to walk away from online dating sites, though I imagine I'll get desperate again sometime soon and try them again.  For now though, this is my take on them.

That One Night I was a Big Shot

A couple days ago I had another dream about that girl from college.  She was with some guy I had met before in real life (though they weren't dating in real life nor in my dream) and was coming to meet me somewhere.  I don't know, it was weird, but nice to "see" her again (even in a dream).

The next day while driving to the Metro station and on the Metro into DC I took some time just thinking about the dream, her, and what was the last few times I saw her.  The last time I ever really felt good about or around a woman.

It was the summer of 2010.  I had to go to campus to drop some forms off (proof of in state residency, etc.).  She was taking summer classes (which were now over) and was living in student apartments.  I called her a few days earlier and we arranged to meet up.  We had tried to meet up earlier in the summer but things didn't work out.

So we met up, chatted for a bit, went to her apartment building and watched TV in the common area (not her room).  We then went out to eat and then came back to campus and talked for a while afterwards.  My friends called me because they wanted to go out for a friend's birthday.  Dave and Buster's sounded like fun (as it usually is) and I like my friends so of course I wanted to go.  But, I also liked hanging out with "Becky" and wasn't sure if I'd ever get the chance to do so ever again.  So, I invited her to go along.

Now, I just want to put the backdrop here: when me and "Becky" were "dating" I would often invite her to do things with me and my friends.  Maybe toss a football around or a Frisbee (other women were also there so it wouldn't just be her as the only girl there) or out to a movie or a restaurant, I even invited her to a Christmas party I had.  Every single time, without fail, she would decline.  Every. Single. Time.  Most of the time it just felt like there wasn't even a chance of her accepting.  She would be worried about staying out too late (though me and my friends were not ones to stay out til the wee hours of the morning on most days) or other concerns that I often felt were contrived.  Though maybe I was just too paranoid, who knows.

So, obviously I knew for sure that there was absolutely no way that she would accept my invitation.  No way.  In fact I was shocked she actually rode in the car with me to the restaurant since she always refused my offers to drive her to the Metro stop back in the day.  At first, it went exactly like that.  She started to say how she couldn't possibly go out, etc.  Then somehow, I convinced her to come along to Dave and Busters with me.

This was probably the highlight of my life (along with that one time I got a girl to slow-dance with me at high school Homecoming): I never convinced a girl to do something she initially didn't want to do before, much less this girl who had never agreed to go out with me and my friends.  On top of that, one of my long time dreams was that one day I'd be able to bring a girl along to something me and my friends were doing.  A good friend of mine had done this lots of times, yet I could never manage to accomplish the task.  But that day was my moment in the sun.

So we got into my car and drove down to my friend's house.  Then we waited for a bit inside while my other friends slowly made their way to the house.  Then we piled into the van, where she actually seemed eager to sit next to me!  Holy moly, it was like I had died and gone to heaven!

Dave and Busters was fun.  She and I spent the entire time together and shared a card (she had paid for the food earlier so it was a square deal) and we had fun.  I'll skip the details because they're not that important.

We got back to her apartment sometime around 2:00 AM, which was kind of late for both of us.  Her card to get into the building didn't work so we had to wait for management to fix it.  So we spent the next 15-20 minutes watching TV in the lobby area, then I escorted her upstairs.

I had work the next morning and she was tired so we obviously had to call it a night.  She was concerned that I'd be too tired to drive, but I brushed it off and said I'd be fine (sometimes I think this was an opening for me to spend the night, but I'm not sure considering her history with me).  So she walked me down to my car, I hugged her goodbye (which she wasn't happy about at first, never liked me hugging her I guess) and I left.  I got home at about 3:00 and went to sleep.  Woke up the next morning on time and headed for work.

I spent the next couple of days as probably the happiest man on earth.  I knew she was probably heading overseas and I wasn't going to see her much more (if at all) but I felt like I had turned a corner.  Maybe I wasn't totally repulsive to women.  Maybe I could someday get a girlfriend.

It wasn't the last time I saw her.  We hung out two more times over the next week and a half.  But that was the last time she hung out with me off campus and out with my friends.

This summer marks three years since that night.  I often think of her and about what I did wrong.  I also think about the odds of me finding someone like her ever again.  Those last few times were the last time I felt happy about women.  I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and hardly ever felt nervous.  So remembering her makes me feel good and depressed at the same time.

But I still have that night, the one night I was a big shot.

Let's Talk About Porn

If you haven't yet, check out Your Brain On Porn.  It's an interesting site with a lot of interesting articles and studies.  It has a noticeable ideological bent against pornography (specifically internet pornography) but even if you're not a crusader against porn (which I'm not) it's still worth it to check it out.

Porn for me was always the case of "I could take it or leave it".  Sometimes it's cool to watch, sometimes I'd rather just masturbate with my imagination.  I've watched porn one time in the past week and probably twice in the past three weeks.  It's just not something I watch all that often.  And when my first laptop died I went about 10 months or so without porn without any issues.  And of course by porn I mean "video of two (or more) people having sex".  I'm not talking about still pictures of naked (or near naked) women.  I'm not sure what to call those things, but I'm sure they are not pornography.

So needless to say I don't quite relate to a lot of the work done on pornography and its effects on men, particularly young men.  But I do find a lot of it fascinating.  The idea that regular porn consumption makes men less likely to go out and seek sex from real live women or the idea that it can really screw with your brain intuitively makes a lot of sense.

I was watching a youtube video about weight lifting and physical fitness in which the speaker was talking about video games (in particular the "first person shooters" or FPSs) and how they impact your physical fitness.  The idea (which I'm sure is controversial) is that when you play a video game in which your brain thinks it's running around avoiding detection, shooting at other people, fighting, etc. but your body isn't actually doing these things, you screw up a lot of your internal mind-body synchronization.  It reminded me a lot of the porn use research.  I'm sure tricking your mind into thinking you are having sex when in reality you are not (aside from your genitalia) can be damaging to you, especially if you do it regularly.

Where I tend to hop off the bandwagon is the idea that giving up porn will result in porn sexually assertive or "hunter like" men.  Like all the dateless losers out there are only so because they watch pornography.  I was a pretty passive guy before I ever saw porn, I'm a passive guy when I watch porn, and I was the same way when I went 10 months without it.  Some guys are just sexually passive and seek porn to cope with that, rather than the porn causing the passivity.

So I guess what I would like to see is some research done on porn and the involuntarily celibate (incel) or love-shy guys (or even gals I suppose) to see the effects on porn consumption on that segment of the population (if there are even some effects).  Having known people who watch porn for years, I've never noticed a substantial impact on their social lives as a result of watching porn.  I obviously have no knowledge of their sex lives because, well, I don't have sex with them.  I think there's more to the story than just porn is what I'm saying.

So if Gary Wilson or Marnia Robinson are reading this: I'd love to hear some of your thoughts or responses on this.  Same with anyone else doing research in this field.

Ethnic Fetishes and the "E" word

I came across a rather interesting article from Brown Girl Magazine about "brown fetishes".  I'm not sure when it was written, but the comments go back to April 2011 so it's at least that old.

The article focuses on two issues: one is how South Asian actresses are used in Hollywood ("brown girl" roles and "attractive girl" roles), and the other is on the use of the word "exotic" to describe South Asian women.

I'm not going to comment on typecasting.  That tactic is as old as Hollywood.  Actually probably as old as professional acting.  That's just the superficial world of Hollywood.  It doesn't just affect Indian women either; just ask John Goodman or James Gandolfini about the variety of roles they've been offered over the course of their careers.

I do want to get at the "exotic" issue though.  Though I am a white male with an admitted "fetish" or preference for brown girls, I've never used the word "exotic" to describe brown women.  I first heard the world back in high school when someone was describing this extremely attractive Iranian/Persian girl I was interested in.  I always thought it was strange; "exotic" to me was jungles, tropical islands, the wilderness, a general lack of civilization.  Since then, I understand what people mean when they use that phrase to describe a woman, though I don't use the term myself.  I understand why it's offensive, there's nothing more "exotic" about being South Asian (or Middle Eastern or South American, etc.) vs being Caucasian or any other ethnic group.  I totally get all of that.

That being said, some of the comments under the article were a little off track.  One poster took offense to someone saying her name was "beautiful" and how would someone with a regular English name feel if she said that to them.  I say this as someone with a huge interest in etymology and linguistics: I'd probably say that to someone and I'd ask them what their name means.  That stuff interests me, it just does.  It disappoints me that so many people with those "regular" names don't know the meaning of their name.  I know the meaning of my name, and it's interesting.  I'd be happy to share that with someone and be happy if they said my name was beautiful or handsome.

The crux of the issue to me is this: some people are uncomfortable with people having a "thing" for people like them.  Doesn't matter if that "thing" is firefighters, virgins, South Asians, Jewish girls, fat women, etc.  It just feels like it diminishes you as a person because the other person just sees you as a member of some arbitrary (and often superficial) group.  Now, I get all of that too.  And it would annoy me too if some woman only wanted to date me so she could "corrupt me" or "fuck the innocent out of me" or something along those lines.  But, I still have a thing for brown women, and I don't think that will change.

I like brown women because they have nice looks.  I don't care if they're "exotic" or not (I already explained why that term is nonsense).  Their skin tone, hair, cultural history (real cultural history not Orientalist bullshit; I actually like hearing about the Rajputs or the Mughal dynasty or even mundane stuff...really), even accents are sexy to me.  I'm sure on the last one some women might be offended by hey, how many chicks go ga-ga over a guy with a British or Australian accent?  Sorry brown girls, you're just too attractive and too cool for me to say no.

So, here's to all you brown girls (or any other type of girl not covered): some guys just like your looks and personality and culture.  You can be interested in our looks and cultural history too if you want.  I won't be offended if you won't be.

Slut-Shaming?

This is a term that's kind of thrown around in feminist circles.  It refers to the practice of making women feel inferior for experimenting or behaving sexually in a way that defies traditional gender norms.  In essence, if you call women who sleep with a guy on the first date a slut but laud a man for sleeping with a woman on the first date, you are "slut shaming".

Now, I get that.  Women don't want to be called out for something that men can not only get away with, but are often celebrated for.  No one like rampant hypocrisy.  But, what if you "slut shame" both genders equally?  Is that still sexist?

To me I think there is behavior that one can honestly and objectively call "slutty".  People who are promiscuous (and I'm not talking about that one time you got drunk and hooked up at a party in college) are sluts.  It's a fact of life.  Sorry.  It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman.  I don't think it's a good idea for people to be cavalier like that in their sex lives.  I don't think there's any problem with judging people for their sexual behavior.  As long as I'm willing to dish out evenly to both sexes, what's the big deal?

Anyone have any thoughts?  Agree?  Disagree?

An Update of Sorts

I've gotten two comments on my things that limit you post.  Both commenters suggested I get a job and move out (with a roommate if necessary).  So I'd like to lay out exactly where I am with all of this.

In the spring of 2012 I was given a tremendous opportunity by a friend of mine.  He wants to start a business  that essentially caters to my skill set.  He's lined up two sponsors so far and we've got a lot of the basics up and running.  It's a great opportunity in the sense that I'd be immediately be in a senior position with creative input and schedule flexibility, seniority, etc.

Here's the problem: we're not profitable right now.  We might never be.  I have to essentially treat it as a full time job in the meantime though if we want a chance at success.  It might be a year or even two years before we make any kind of serious money (if we ever do).  Yes, in the meantime I can get a part time job to bring in some money but if I try to seriously make a go of this business it's going to take some time and patience.  I'm not exactly sure I can wait that long to get my first kiss, first sex, etc.  Maybe I can, but I think I'm already going insane.

So here's the rub: do I commit myself to this without any guarantee it will work out?  What if in two years I'm a 27 year old guy without any full time work experience or (for the purposes of this blog) relationship experience?  While I'm trying to make this work do I forget about dating and women?

I really do want this business to work, and I really think it can.  It's just going to take some hard work and some time.  But I'm torn.  I see women when I'm out in the store or running errands and I feel bad.

So I don't know.  I guess I'm stuck.

Bitterness, Etc.

I think I've reached a point in life where I don't have the will to keep trying at dating and relationships.  Some of this is due to bitterness, and some of this is because I just don't have confidence in myself.

First I'll tackle the bitterness.

I anonymously follow a few blogs written by women, some of whom I know, some of whom I don't know, I just stumbled upon their blogs on random google searches on various topics.  I also poke around dating sites from time to time.  On both of these platforms I constantly see statements like "all I want is a nice guy" or "I hate being single" or "POF is full of creeps", or some variation of these statements.  And all I can do is think to myself "bullshit, you want a guy who is nice but is also everything else you dream of in the world".  A "gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets" so to speak.  This faux victim status these women want to claim that essentially dating is oh so hard for women but a walk in the park for men (something I'm sure comes from listening to too many Taylor Swift songs) makes me resent them.  And it makes me bitter.

I also feel not good enough.  Partly this has to do with looks: I'm balding, and still out of shape (even though I'm in much better shape than I was 6 weeks ago), not exceptionally tall (I'm above average though), and I wear glasses.  But it's also more than that.  I'm light years from being self-sufficient (still living at home, still sharing a room with my brother), I drive an old non-fancy car (that still runs great and that I love), and probably most importantly I'm completely inexperienced at dating, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc.  I have no idea how to act as a boyfriend, no idea how to turn women on, how to have good sex.  None of that.  I feel like any relationship I'd get into would be a total train wreck.  Not just that, but a train wreck in which I'd have to constantly prove myself to the other person.  I'm not good enough, so I have to prove it to women.

I also fear that I'll end up marrying the first person who ever agrees to date me longer than a month.  And I'll end up being miserable because she'll be a total mismatch with me, etc.  And I guess a big part of me feels cheated.  I never had that cool college experience (though I admit I had a fun time) you know where you meet a sweet girl and you go to movies or ball games or dinners out.  I feel like that's a big part of why I haven't been able to grow up.  I feel like a younger man emotionally, and I can't grow up.

I don't know, it sounds like I'm rambling.  And I kind of am.  I just want to get these thoughts out there and I don't feel like editing today.