I created a page on Facebook, you can find it here. Like it, share it, tell all your friends about it.
Hopefully it can be a meeting place for the dateless lads and ladies out there as well as those who want to give us advice. So I hope to see you there.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
The Girl at the Pharmacy
It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. I have a few posts I've worked on but they're kind of stuck in the editing process. They seem flat to me so I've scrapped them for now. What I'd like to talk about is a situation I have at the moment.
There's a girl who works at the pharmacy in one of the grocery stores I shop at. We'll call her "Sarah". She's worked there for a while, I'd say at least 2 years. At my last job she'd come in every once and a while, most of the time she'd just walk around and buy nothing, though I think once she bought some wrapping paper or something of that nature.
In any case, whenever I'd go to the store I'd sort of steal glances of her if I walked by the pharmacy. Most of the time I'm pretty sure she doesn't notice me at all. I'm pretty sure on my last visit there, she did. Obviously I can't be sure, but I just got this feeling that she know I was checking her out. I could be wrong though.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I should do about this. Yeah, I'd like to ask her out, but how? Asking out the girl at the pharmacy counter is a bit like asking out the bank teller, nice idea but totally unrealistic. I tried looking her up on facebook to see if she had a boyfriend, but no such luck. Either she doesn't have a facebook account, or she hides it.
So, what to do? I've only ever talked to her two or three times in my life, and never about anything except business. The next time I'm picking up a medication for somebody do I chat her up, flirt a little? Give her a note asking for her phone number/giving her mine? I've never seen her anywhere except at the pharmacy or at my old job, so I have no idea where I'd run into her out in the world.
Advice? I'm not sure how many readers I have on here, but any advice is welcome.
There's a girl who works at the pharmacy in one of the grocery stores I shop at. We'll call her "Sarah". She's worked there for a while, I'd say at least 2 years. At my last job she'd come in every once and a while, most of the time she'd just walk around and buy nothing, though I think once she bought some wrapping paper or something of that nature.
In any case, whenever I'd go to the store I'd sort of steal glances of her if I walked by the pharmacy. Most of the time I'm pretty sure she doesn't notice me at all. I'm pretty sure on my last visit there, she did. Obviously I can't be sure, but I just got this feeling that she know I was checking her out. I could be wrong though.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I should do about this. Yeah, I'd like to ask her out, but how? Asking out the girl at the pharmacy counter is a bit like asking out the bank teller, nice idea but totally unrealistic. I tried looking her up on facebook to see if she had a boyfriend, but no such luck. Either she doesn't have a facebook account, or she hides it.
So, what to do? I've only ever talked to her two or three times in my life, and never about anything except business. The next time I'm picking up a medication for somebody do I chat her up, flirt a little? Give her a note asking for her phone number/giving her mine? I've never seen her anywhere except at the pharmacy or at my old job, so I have no idea where I'd run into her out in the world.
Advice? I'm not sure how many readers I have on here, but any advice is welcome.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Online Dating: Why I tried it, and the problems
I thought I'd opine a little about the somewhat new phenomenon that is called online dating. I have (or have had) accounts on a wide variety of websites, though I mostly use Okcupid and Plenty of Fish. Both of which I have used off and on since 2007.
I got my first online dating account towards the end of my freshman year in college. It's weird because most people assume that college is a nonstop barrage of orgies or people looking for a marriage partner. It's not, or at least it wasn't at the place I went to school. In any case, I wasn't meeting any women at my school and I wanted to start dating (many of my friends had started getting girlfriends). I didn't know much about online dating at all so at first I just posted an account and waited for the girls to start messaging me. Never happened obviously, so I took the initiative. I exchanged messages with one girl who I never met and who eventually stopped responding to me before I had to delete my account when my mom found out I had one (she was concerned that I'd meet a serial killer or something). So that was my first fumbling attempt at the online dating minefield.
Two and a half years later I rejoined Okcupid. I was 22 and it was the summer before my last year of college. I had enough of trying to meet girls in real life. Between shyness and being rejected by the women I did have the courage of approaching I figured I'd use online dating to get some dates and maybe by getting some experience I'd build my confidence so if I didn't meet the girl of my dreams online I'd be able to go out and find her offline. Boy was I wrong about that.
That summer and early fall were horrible. I sent so many messages out but only received one in return. That girl lived really nearby but she was big into recreational drugs (which while I think should be legal, I'm just not into) so that was never going to work.
Later in the fall I finally broke out with responses from what seemed to be two really cool girls. One was a college student about 40 miles away (kind of long distance but I'd be ok with that for the right person) and the other was a young working professional who lived only 20 minutes from me and right near my college campus. After exchanging messages with the first girl a couple of times, she finally revealed to me that while she liked talking to me and all, she was only interested in dating a guy from her own culture and race (Middle Eastern, Muslim). That was fine and I respect that, I just wish she would have made that more clear on her profile or in her communications.
The second girl gave me her email, but then never responded when I wrote her an email. Months later I messaged her on the site (instead of the email address she gave me) and she responded and we arranged to meet up. After having to reschedule due to weather, we finally met up. I wrote on here that I thought the date went horribly, but apparently not too horribly because she agreed to meet up again. We agreed to a third date that she ended up canceling. I called to reschedule, but she never returned any of my calls or text messages. Them's the breaks I guess.
About 8 months later I messaged another girl on Okcupid. She seemed receptive to meeting up, but whenever I'd ask her I'd receive another excuse (she's sick, she has to visit a friend far away, etc.). And then she stopped responding to my messages. By the end of 2011 I had enough of this aggravation and deactivated my account.
About three months later I was back. I seriously thought about ignoring women, but I couldn't. And I wasn't meeting anyone out in the real world so I figured I had to try meeting some online. In that entire time I have had one woman agree to meet up, but when I messaged her saying when and where (and if she was free) she ignored me. And that pretty much sums up my experience using dating sites.
Now that you have some background let me list some of the problems I have with it:
1. There's a huge disconnect between what women say they experience and what men say they experience.
Most women complain about online dating because they receive a copious amount of messages from men who clearly haven't read their profiles or who post half naked pictures of themselves (or pictures of their privates) or write overly sexual messages (like "yo dat ass" or "hey sexy", etc.).
Men on the other hand complain that their heart felt, genuine messages and sincere reading of a woman's profile almost always goes unnoticed. Spending half an hour writing a perfectly crafted first message that gets immediately deleted after being barely read isn't appealing after the first dozen or so times you do it.
2. The aforementioned problem with people not telling you about any disqualifiers. If you join a site like POF or Okcupid or something like that you should expect that a wide variety of people are going to send you messages. If you are only interested in people of your faith or ethnic background you should either make that clear in your profile (which in the case of Okcupid you can do that with your questions) or make it clear to the person who sent you the message by either a) telling them or b) not messaging back. Nothing is more annoying than someone who pulls the rug out from under you halfway into the messaging process.
3. If you are not getting any responses within the first 3 weeks to a month just get off the dating sites. It's not going to get better, and you are only going to end up in a pit of despair if you continue to message women unsuccessfully.
4. This is related to point 3, but I have found that my continued lack of success, and in particular the repeatedly ignored messages are starting to make me resent women. I don't feel good enough for them, and the fact that they deem me not even worthy of meeting up for a simple cup of coffee (or even responding to a friendly first message) tells me something. I don't want to resent women but I honestly can't help but feel that way.
5. A big, big problem with online dating is the lack of feedback. In the real world you can interact with someone and figure out what they responded to and why. It's also easier to get your foot in the door despite having some aspect of yourself turning them off and them refusing to communicate with you. With online dating you have no idea why someone refused to respond to your message. Perhaps they didn't like how you looked, or perhaps they didn't like the quality of your photos. Maybe they didn't like the books you put in your "favorite books" list. They could have just thought your message was lame and uninspiring, who knows.
I wish I knew more about computers or website design or website construction, because I'd love to make my own dating site where I could fix some of the problems I listed here. As it is though I've decided to walk away from online dating sites, though I imagine I'll get desperate again sometime soon and try them again. For now though, this is my take on them.
I got my first online dating account towards the end of my freshman year in college. It's weird because most people assume that college is a nonstop barrage of orgies or people looking for a marriage partner. It's not, or at least it wasn't at the place I went to school. In any case, I wasn't meeting any women at my school and I wanted to start dating (many of my friends had started getting girlfriends). I didn't know much about online dating at all so at first I just posted an account and waited for the girls to start messaging me. Never happened obviously, so I took the initiative. I exchanged messages with one girl who I never met and who eventually stopped responding to me before I had to delete my account when my mom found out I had one (she was concerned that I'd meet a serial killer or something). So that was my first fumbling attempt at the online dating minefield.
Two and a half years later I rejoined Okcupid. I was 22 and it was the summer before my last year of college. I had enough of trying to meet girls in real life. Between shyness and being rejected by the women I did have the courage of approaching I figured I'd use online dating to get some dates and maybe by getting some experience I'd build my confidence so if I didn't meet the girl of my dreams online I'd be able to go out and find her offline. Boy was I wrong about that.
That summer and early fall were horrible. I sent so many messages out but only received one in return. That girl lived really nearby but she was big into recreational drugs (which while I think should be legal, I'm just not into) so that was never going to work.
Later in the fall I finally broke out with responses from what seemed to be two really cool girls. One was a college student about 40 miles away (kind of long distance but I'd be ok with that for the right person) and the other was a young working professional who lived only 20 minutes from me and right near my college campus. After exchanging messages with the first girl a couple of times, she finally revealed to me that while she liked talking to me and all, she was only interested in dating a guy from her own culture and race (Middle Eastern, Muslim). That was fine and I respect that, I just wish she would have made that more clear on her profile or in her communications.
The second girl gave me her email, but then never responded when I wrote her an email. Months later I messaged her on the site (instead of the email address she gave me) and she responded and we arranged to meet up. After having to reschedule due to weather, we finally met up. I wrote on here that I thought the date went horribly, but apparently not too horribly because she agreed to meet up again. We agreed to a third date that she ended up canceling. I called to reschedule, but she never returned any of my calls or text messages. Them's the breaks I guess.
About 8 months later I messaged another girl on Okcupid. She seemed receptive to meeting up, but whenever I'd ask her I'd receive another excuse (she's sick, she has to visit a friend far away, etc.). And then she stopped responding to my messages. By the end of 2011 I had enough of this aggravation and deactivated my account.
About three months later I was back. I seriously thought about ignoring women, but I couldn't. And I wasn't meeting anyone out in the real world so I figured I had to try meeting some online. In that entire time I have had one woman agree to meet up, but when I messaged her saying when and where (and if she was free) she ignored me. And that pretty much sums up my experience using dating sites.
Now that you have some background let me list some of the problems I have with it:
1. There's a huge disconnect between what women say they experience and what men say they experience.
Most women complain about online dating because they receive a copious amount of messages from men who clearly haven't read their profiles or who post half naked pictures of themselves (or pictures of their privates) or write overly sexual messages (like "yo dat ass" or "hey sexy", etc.).
Men on the other hand complain that their heart felt, genuine messages and sincere reading of a woman's profile almost always goes unnoticed. Spending half an hour writing a perfectly crafted first message that gets immediately deleted after being barely read isn't appealing after the first dozen or so times you do it.
2. The aforementioned problem with people not telling you about any disqualifiers. If you join a site like POF or Okcupid or something like that you should expect that a wide variety of people are going to send you messages. If you are only interested in people of your faith or ethnic background you should either make that clear in your profile (which in the case of Okcupid you can do that with your questions) or make it clear to the person who sent you the message by either a) telling them or b) not messaging back. Nothing is more annoying than someone who pulls the rug out from under you halfway into the messaging process.
3. If you are not getting any responses within the first 3 weeks to a month just get off the dating sites. It's not going to get better, and you are only going to end up in a pit of despair if you continue to message women unsuccessfully.
4. This is related to point 3, but I have found that my continued lack of success, and in particular the repeatedly ignored messages are starting to make me resent women. I don't feel good enough for them, and the fact that they deem me not even worthy of meeting up for a simple cup of coffee (or even responding to a friendly first message) tells me something. I don't want to resent women but I honestly can't help but feel that way.
5. A big, big problem with online dating is the lack of feedback. In the real world you can interact with someone and figure out what they responded to and why. It's also easier to get your foot in the door despite having some aspect of yourself turning them off and them refusing to communicate with you. With online dating you have no idea why someone refused to respond to your message. Perhaps they didn't like how you looked, or perhaps they didn't like the quality of your photos. Maybe they didn't like the books you put in your "favorite books" list. They could have just thought your message was lame and uninspiring, who knows.
I wish I knew more about computers or website design or website construction, because I'd love to make my own dating site where I could fix some of the problems I listed here. As it is though I've decided to walk away from online dating sites, though I imagine I'll get desperate again sometime soon and try them again. For now though, this is my take on them.
Monday, February 25, 2013
That One Night I was a Big Shot
A couple days ago I had another dream about that girl from college. She was with some guy I had met before in real life (though they weren't dating in real life nor in my dream) and was coming to meet me somewhere. I don't know, it was weird, but nice to "see" her again (even in a dream).
The next day while driving to the Metro station and on the Metro into DC I took some time just thinking about the dream, her, and what was the last few times I saw her. The last time I ever really felt good about or around a woman.
It was the summer of 2010. I had to go to campus to drop some forms off (proof of in state residency, etc.). She was taking summer classes (which were now over) and was living in student apartments. I called her a few days earlier and we arranged to meet up. We had tried to meet up earlier in the summer but things didn't work out.
So we met up, chatted for a bit, went to her apartment building and watched TV in the common area (not her room). We then went out to eat and then came back to campus and talked for a while afterwards. My friends called me because they wanted to go out for a friend's birthday. Dave and Buster's sounded like fun (as it usually is) and I like my friends so of course I wanted to go. But, I also liked hanging out with "Becky" and wasn't sure if I'd ever get the chance to do so ever again. So, I invited her to go along.
Now, I just want to put the backdrop here: when me and "Becky" were "dating" I would often invite her to do things with me and my friends. Maybe toss a football around or a Frisbee (other women were also there so it wouldn't just be her as the only girl there) or out to a movie or a restaurant, I even invited her to a Christmas party I had. Every single time, without fail, she would decline. Every. Single. Time. Most of the time it just felt like there wasn't even a chance of her accepting. She would be worried about staying out too late (though me and my friends were not ones to stay out til the wee hours of the morning on most days) or other concerns that I often felt were contrived. Though maybe I was just too paranoid, who knows.
So, obviously I knew for sure that there was absolutely no way that she would accept my invitation. No way. In fact I was shocked she actually rode in the car with me to the restaurant since she always refused my offers to drive her to the Metro stop back in the day. At first, it went exactly like that. She started to say how she couldn't possibly go out, etc. Then somehow, I convinced her to come along to Dave and Busters with me.
This was probably the highlight of my life (along with that one time I got a girl to slow-dance with me at high school Homecoming): I never convinced a girl to do something she initially didn't want to do before, much less this girl who had never agreed to go out with me and my friends. On top of that, one of my long time dreams was that one day I'd be able to bring a girl along to something me and my friends were doing. A good friend of mine had done this lots of times, yet I could never manage to accomplish the task. But that day was my moment in the sun.
So we got into my car and drove down to my friend's house. Then we waited for a bit inside while my other friends slowly made their way to the house. Then we piled into the van, where she actually seemed eager to sit next to me! Holy moly, it was like I had died and gone to heaven!
Dave and Busters was fun. She and I spent the entire time together and shared a card (she had paid for the food earlier so it was a square deal) and we had fun. I'll skip the details because they're not that important.
We got back to her apartment sometime around 2:00 AM, which was kind of late for both of us. Her card to get into the building didn't work so we had to wait for management to fix it. So we spent the next 15-20 minutes watching TV in the lobby area, then I escorted her upstairs.
I had work the next morning and she was tired so we obviously had to call it a night. She was concerned that I'd be too tired to drive, but I brushed it off and said I'd be fine (sometimes I think this was an opening for me to spend the night, but I'm not sure considering her history with me). So she walked me down to my car, I hugged her goodbye (which she wasn't happy about at first, never liked me hugging her I guess) and I left. I got home at about 3:00 and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning on time and headed for work.
I spent the next couple of days as probably the happiest man on earth. I knew she was probably heading overseas and I wasn't going to see her much more (if at all) but I felt like I had turned a corner. Maybe I wasn't totally repulsive to women. Maybe I could someday get a girlfriend.
It wasn't the last time I saw her. We hung out two more times over the next week and a half. But that was the last time she hung out with me off campus and out with my friends.
This summer marks three years since that night. I often think of her and about what I did wrong. I also think about the odds of me finding someone like her ever again. Those last few times were the last time I felt happy about women. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and hardly ever felt nervous. So remembering her makes me feel good and depressed at the same time.
But I still have that night, the one night I was a big shot.
The next day while driving to the Metro station and on the Metro into DC I took some time just thinking about the dream, her, and what was the last few times I saw her. The last time I ever really felt good about or around a woman.
It was the summer of 2010. I had to go to campus to drop some forms off (proof of in state residency, etc.). She was taking summer classes (which were now over) and was living in student apartments. I called her a few days earlier and we arranged to meet up. We had tried to meet up earlier in the summer but things didn't work out.
So we met up, chatted for a bit, went to her apartment building and watched TV in the common area (not her room). We then went out to eat and then came back to campus and talked for a while afterwards. My friends called me because they wanted to go out for a friend's birthday. Dave and Buster's sounded like fun (as it usually is) and I like my friends so of course I wanted to go. But, I also liked hanging out with "Becky" and wasn't sure if I'd ever get the chance to do so ever again. So, I invited her to go along.
Now, I just want to put the backdrop here: when me and "Becky" were "dating" I would often invite her to do things with me and my friends. Maybe toss a football around or a Frisbee (other women were also there so it wouldn't just be her as the only girl there) or out to a movie or a restaurant, I even invited her to a Christmas party I had. Every single time, without fail, she would decline. Every. Single. Time. Most of the time it just felt like there wasn't even a chance of her accepting. She would be worried about staying out too late (though me and my friends were not ones to stay out til the wee hours of the morning on most days) or other concerns that I often felt were contrived. Though maybe I was just too paranoid, who knows.
So, obviously I knew for sure that there was absolutely no way that she would accept my invitation. No way. In fact I was shocked she actually rode in the car with me to the restaurant since she always refused my offers to drive her to the Metro stop back in the day. At first, it went exactly like that. She started to say how she couldn't possibly go out, etc. Then somehow, I convinced her to come along to Dave and Busters with me.
This was probably the highlight of my life (along with that one time I got a girl to slow-dance with me at high school Homecoming): I never convinced a girl to do something she initially didn't want to do before, much less this girl who had never agreed to go out with me and my friends. On top of that, one of my long time dreams was that one day I'd be able to bring a girl along to something me and my friends were doing. A good friend of mine had done this lots of times, yet I could never manage to accomplish the task. But that day was my moment in the sun.
So we got into my car and drove down to my friend's house. Then we waited for a bit inside while my other friends slowly made their way to the house. Then we piled into the van, where she actually seemed eager to sit next to me! Holy moly, it was like I had died and gone to heaven!
Dave and Busters was fun. She and I spent the entire time together and shared a card (she had paid for the food earlier so it was a square deal) and we had fun. I'll skip the details because they're not that important.
We got back to her apartment sometime around 2:00 AM, which was kind of late for both of us. Her card to get into the building didn't work so we had to wait for management to fix it. So we spent the next 15-20 minutes watching TV in the lobby area, then I escorted her upstairs.
I had work the next morning and she was tired so we obviously had to call it a night. She was concerned that I'd be too tired to drive, but I brushed it off and said I'd be fine (sometimes I think this was an opening for me to spend the night, but I'm not sure considering her history with me). So she walked me down to my car, I hugged her goodbye (which she wasn't happy about at first, never liked me hugging her I guess) and I left. I got home at about 3:00 and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning on time and headed for work.
I spent the next couple of days as probably the happiest man on earth. I knew she was probably heading overseas and I wasn't going to see her much more (if at all) but I felt like I had turned a corner. Maybe I wasn't totally repulsive to women. Maybe I could someday get a girlfriend.
It wasn't the last time I saw her. We hung out two more times over the next week and a half. But that was the last time she hung out with me off campus and out with my friends.
This summer marks three years since that night. I often think of her and about what I did wrong. I also think about the odds of me finding someone like her ever again. Those last few times were the last time I felt happy about women. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and hardly ever felt nervous. So remembering her makes me feel good and depressed at the same time.
But I still have that night, the one night I was a big shot.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Let's Talk About Porn
If you haven't yet, check out Your Brain On Porn. It's an interesting site with a lot of interesting articles and studies. It has a noticeable ideological bent against pornography (specifically internet pornography) but even if you're not a crusader against porn (which I'm not) it's still worth it to check it out.
Porn for me was always the case of "I could take it or leave it". Sometimes it's cool to watch, sometimes I'd rather just masturbate with my imagination. I've watched porn one time in the past week and probably twice in the past three weeks. It's just not something I watch all that often. And when my first laptop died I went about 10 months or so without porn without any issues. And of course by porn I mean "video of two (or more) people having sex". I'm not talking about still pictures of naked (or near naked) women. I'm not sure what to call those things, but I'm sure they are not pornography.
So needless to say I don't quite relate to a lot of the work done on pornography and its effects on men, particularly young men. But I do find a lot of it fascinating. The idea that regular porn consumption makes men less likely to go out and seek sex from real live women or the idea that it can really screw with your brain intuitively makes a lot of sense.
I was watching a youtube video about weight lifting and physical fitness in which the speaker was talking about video games (in particular the "first person shooters" or FPSs) and how they impact your physical fitness. The idea (which I'm sure is controversial) is that when you play a video game in which your brain thinks it's running around avoiding detection, shooting at other people, fighting, etc. but your body isn't actually doing these things, you screw up a lot of your internal mind-body synchronization. It reminded me a lot of the porn use research. I'm sure tricking your mind into thinking you are having sex when in reality you are not (aside from your genitalia) can be damaging to you, especially if you do it regularly.
Where I tend to hop off the bandwagon is the idea that giving up porn will result in porn sexually assertive or "hunter like" men. Like all the dateless losers out there are only so because they watch pornography. I was a pretty passive guy before I ever saw porn, I'm a passive guy when I watch porn, and I was the same way when I went 10 months without it. Some guys are just sexually passive and seek porn to cope with that, rather than the porn causing the passivity.
So I guess what I would like to see is some research done on porn and the involuntarily celibate (incel) or love-shy guys (or even gals I suppose) to see the effects on porn consumption on that segment of the population (if there are even some effects). Having known people who watch porn for years, I've never noticed a substantial impact on their social lives as a result of watching porn. I obviously have no knowledge of their sex lives because, well, I don't have sex with them. I think there's more to the story than just porn is what I'm saying.
So if Gary Wilson or Marnia Robinson are reading this: I'd love to hear some of your thoughts or responses on this. Same with anyone else doing research in this field.
Porn for me was always the case of "I could take it or leave it". Sometimes it's cool to watch, sometimes I'd rather just masturbate with my imagination. I've watched porn one time in the past week and probably twice in the past three weeks. It's just not something I watch all that often. And when my first laptop died I went about 10 months or so without porn without any issues. And of course by porn I mean "video of two (or more) people having sex". I'm not talking about still pictures of naked (or near naked) women. I'm not sure what to call those things, but I'm sure they are not pornography.
So needless to say I don't quite relate to a lot of the work done on pornography and its effects on men, particularly young men. But I do find a lot of it fascinating. The idea that regular porn consumption makes men less likely to go out and seek sex from real live women or the idea that it can really screw with your brain intuitively makes a lot of sense.
I was watching a youtube video about weight lifting and physical fitness in which the speaker was talking about video games (in particular the "first person shooters" or FPSs) and how they impact your physical fitness. The idea (which I'm sure is controversial) is that when you play a video game in which your brain thinks it's running around avoiding detection, shooting at other people, fighting, etc. but your body isn't actually doing these things, you screw up a lot of your internal mind-body synchronization. It reminded me a lot of the porn use research. I'm sure tricking your mind into thinking you are having sex when in reality you are not (aside from your genitalia) can be damaging to you, especially if you do it regularly.
Where I tend to hop off the bandwagon is the idea that giving up porn will result in porn sexually assertive or "hunter like" men. Like all the dateless losers out there are only so because they watch pornography. I was a pretty passive guy before I ever saw porn, I'm a passive guy when I watch porn, and I was the same way when I went 10 months without it. Some guys are just sexually passive and seek porn to cope with that, rather than the porn causing the passivity.
So I guess what I would like to see is some research done on porn and the involuntarily celibate (incel) or love-shy guys (or even gals I suppose) to see the effects on porn consumption on that segment of the population (if there are even some effects). Having known people who watch porn for years, I've never noticed a substantial impact on their social lives as a result of watching porn. I obviously have no knowledge of their sex lives because, well, I don't have sex with them. I think there's more to the story than just porn is what I'm saying.
So if Gary Wilson or Marnia Robinson are reading this: I'd love to hear some of your thoughts or responses on this. Same with anyone else doing research in this field.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Ethnic Fetishes and the "E" word
I came across a rather interesting article from Brown Girl Magazine about "brown fetishes". I'm not sure when it was written, but the comments go back to April 2011 so it's at least that old.
The article focuses on two issues: one is how South Asian actresses are used in Hollywood ("brown girl" roles and "attractive girl" roles), and the other is on the use of the word "exotic" to describe South Asian women.
I'm not going to comment on typecasting. That tactic is as old as Hollywood. Actually probably as old as professional acting. That's just the superficial world of Hollywood. It doesn't just affect Indian women either; just ask John Goodman or James Gandolfini about the variety of roles they've been offered over the course of their careers.
I do want to get at the "exotic" issue though. Though I am a white male with an admitted "fetish" or preference for brown girls, I've never used the word "exotic" to describe brown women. I first heard the world back in high school when someone was describing this extremely attractive Iranian/Persian girl I was interested in. I always thought it was strange; "exotic" to me was jungles, tropical islands, the wilderness, a general lack of civilization. Since then, I understand what people mean when they use that phrase to describe a woman, though I don't use the term myself. I understand why it's offensive, there's nothing more "exotic" about being South Asian (or Middle Eastern or South American, etc.) vs being Caucasian or any other ethnic group. I totally get all of that.
That being said, some of the comments under the article were a little off track. One poster took offense to someone saying her name was "beautiful" and how would someone with a regular English name feel if she said that to them. I say this as someone with a huge interest in etymology and linguistics: I'd probably say that to someone and I'd ask them what their name means. That stuff interests me, it just does. It disappoints me that so many people with those "regular" names don't know the meaning of their name. I know the meaning of my name, and it's interesting. I'd be happy to share that with someone and be happy if they said my name was beautiful or handsome.
The crux of the issue to me is this: some people are uncomfortable with people having a "thing" for people like them. Doesn't matter if that "thing" is firefighters, virgins, South Asians, Jewish girls, fat women, etc. It just feels like it diminishes you as a person because the other person just sees you as a member of some arbitrary (and often superficial) group. Now, I get all of that too. And it would annoy me too if some woman only wanted to date me so she could "corrupt me" or "fuck the innocent out of me" or something along those lines. But, I still have a thing for brown women, and I don't think that will change.
I like brown women because they have nice looks. I don't care if they're "exotic" or not (I already explained why that term is nonsense). Their skin tone, hair, cultural history (real cultural history not Orientalist bullshit; I actually like hearing about the Rajputs or the Mughal dynasty or even mundane stuff...really), even accents are sexy to me. I'm sure on the last one some women might be offended by hey, how many chicks go ga-ga over a guy with a British or Australian accent? Sorry brown girls, you're just too attractive and too cool for me to say no.
So, here's to all you brown girls (or any other type of girl not covered): some guys just like your looks and personality and culture. You can be interested in our looks and cultural history too if you want. I won't be offended if you won't be.
The article focuses on two issues: one is how South Asian actresses are used in Hollywood ("brown girl" roles and "attractive girl" roles), and the other is on the use of the word "exotic" to describe South Asian women.
I'm not going to comment on typecasting. That tactic is as old as Hollywood. Actually probably as old as professional acting. That's just the superficial world of Hollywood. It doesn't just affect Indian women either; just ask John Goodman or James Gandolfini about the variety of roles they've been offered over the course of their careers.
I do want to get at the "exotic" issue though. Though I am a white male with an admitted "fetish" or preference for brown girls, I've never used the word "exotic" to describe brown women. I first heard the world back in high school when someone was describing this extremely attractive Iranian/Persian girl I was interested in. I always thought it was strange; "exotic" to me was jungles, tropical islands, the wilderness, a general lack of civilization. Since then, I understand what people mean when they use that phrase to describe a woman, though I don't use the term myself. I understand why it's offensive, there's nothing more "exotic" about being South Asian (or Middle Eastern or South American, etc.) vs being Caucasian or any other ethnic group. I totally get all of that.
That being said, some of the comments under the article were a little off track. One poster took offense to someone saying her name was "beautiful" and how would someone with a regular English name feel if she said that to them. I say this as someone with a huge interest in etymology and linguistics: I'd probably say that to someone and I'd ask them what their name means. That stuff interests me, it just does. It disappoints me that so many people with those "regular" names don't know the meaning of their name. I know the meaning of my name, and it's interesting. I'd be happy to share that with someone and be happy if they said my name was beautiful or handsome.
The crux of the issue to me is this: some people are uncomfortable with people having a "thing" for people like them. Doesn't matter if that "thing" is firefighters, virgins, South Asians, Jewish girls, fat women, etc. It just feels like it diminishes you as a person because the other person just sees you as a member of some arbitrary (and often superficial) group. Now, I get all of that too. And it would annoy me too if some woman only wanted to date me so she could "corrupt me" or "fuck the innocent out of me" or something along those lines. But, I still have a thing for brown women, and I don't think that will change.
I like brown women because they have nice looks. I don't care if they're "exotic" or not (I already explained why that term is nonsense). Their skin tone, hair, cultural history (real cultural history not Orientalist bullshit; I actually like hearing about the Rajputs or the Mughal dynasty or even mundane stuff...really), even accents are sexy to me. I'm sure on the last one some women might be offended by hey, how many chicks go ga-ga over a guy with a British or Australian accent? Sorry brown girls, you're just too attractive and too cool for me to say no.
So, here's to all you brown girls (or any other type of girl not covered): some guys just like your looks and personality and culture. You can be interested in our looks and cultural history too if you want. I won't be offended if you won't be.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Slut-Shaming?
This is a term that's kind of thrown around in feminist circles. It refers to the practice of making women feel inferior for experimenting or behaving sexually in a way that defies traditional gender norms. In essence, if you call women who sleep with a guy on the first date a slut but laud a man for sleeping with a woman on the first date, you are "slut shaming".
Now, I get that. Women don't want to be called out for something that men can not only get away with, but are often celebrated for. No one like rampant hypocrisy. But, what if you "slut shame" both genders equally? Is that still sexist?
To me I think there is behavior that one can honestly and objectively call "slutty". People who are promiscuous (and I'm not talking about that one time you got drunk and hooked up at a party in college) are sluts. It's a fact of life. Sorry. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. I don't think it's a good idea for people to be cavalier like that in their sex lives. I don't think there's any problem with judging people for their sexual behavior. As long as I'm willing to dish out evenly to both sexes, what's the big deal?
Anyone have any thoughts? Agree? Disagree?
Now, I get that. Women don't want to be called out for something that men can not only get away with, but are often celebrated for. No one like rampant hypocrisy. But, what if you "slut shame" both genders equally? Is that still sexist?
To me I think there is behavior that one can honestly and objectively call "slutty". People who are promiscuous (and I'm not talking about that one time you got drunk and hooked up at a party in college) are sluts. It's a fact of life. Sorry. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. I don't think it's a good idea for people to be cavalier like that in their sex lives. I don't think there's any problem with judging people for their sexual behavior. As long as I'm willing to dish out evenly to both sexes, what's the big deal?
Anyone have any thoughts? Agree? Disagree?
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