Bitterness, Etc.

I think I've reached a point in life where I don't have the will to keep trying at dating and relationships.  Some of this is due to bitterness, and some of this is because I just don't have confidence in myself.

First I'll tackle the bitterness.

I anonymously follow a few blogs written by women, some of whom I know, some of whom I don't know, I just stumbled upon their blogs on random google searches on various topics.  I also poke around dating sites from time to time.  On both of these platforms I constantly see statements like "all I want is a nice guy" or "I hate being single" or "POF is full of creeps", or some variation of these statements.  And all I can do is think to myself "bullshit, you want a guy who is nice but is also everything else you dream of in the world".  A "gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets" so to speak.  This faux victim status these women want to claim that essentially dating is oh so hard for women but a walk in the park for men (something I'm sure comes from listening to too many Taylor Swift songs) makes me resent them.  And it makes me bitter.

I also feel not good enough.  Partly this has to do with looks: I'm balding, and still out of shape (even though I'm in much better shape than I was 6 weeks ago), not exceptionally tall (I'm above average though), and I wear glasses.  But it's also more than that.  I'm light years from being self-sufficient (still living at home, still sharing a room with my brother), I drive an old non-fancy car (that still runs great and that I love), and probably most importantly I'm completely inexperienced at dating, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc.  I have no idea how to act as a boyfriend, no idea how to turn women on, how to have good sex.  None of that.  I feel like any relationship I'd get into would be a total train wreck.  Not just that, but a train wreck in which I'd have to constantly prove myself to the other person.  I'm not good enough, so I have to prove it to women.

I also fear that I'll end up marrying the first person who ever agrees to date me longer than a month.  And I'll end up being miserable because she'll be a total mismatch with me, etc.  And I guess a big part of me feels cheated.  I never had that cool college experience (though I admit I had a fun time) you know where you meet a sweet girl and you go to movies or ball games or dinners out.  I feel like that's a big part of why I haven't been able to grow up.  I feel like a younger man emotionally, and I can't grow up.

I don't know, it sounds like I'm rambling.  And I kind of am.  I just want to get these thoughts out there and I don't feel like editing today.