I think I've reached a point in life where I don't have the will to keep trying at dating and relationships. Some of this is due to bitterness, and some of this is because I just don't have confidence in myself.
First I'll tackle the bitterness.
I anonymously follow a few blogs written by women, some of whom I know, some of whom I don't know, I just stumbled upon their blogs on random google searches on various topics. I also poke around dating sites from time to time. On both of these platforms I constantly see statements like "all I want is a nice guy" or "I hate being single" or "POF is full of creeps", or some variation of these statements. And all I can do is think to myself "bullshit, you want a guy who is nice but is also everything else you dream of in the world". A "gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets" so to speak. This faux victim status these women want to claim that essentially dating is oh so hard for women but a walk in the park for men (something I'm sure comes from listening to too many Taylor Swift songs) makes me resent them. And it makes me bitter.
I also feel not good enough. Partly this has to do with looks: I'm balding, and still out of shape (even though I'm in much better shape than I was 6 weeks ago), not exceptionally tall (I'm above average though), and I wear glasses. But it's also more than that. I'm light years from being self-sufficient (still living at home, still sharing a room with my brother), I drive an old non-fancy car (that still runs great and that I love), and probably most importantly I'm completely inexperienced at dating, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc. I have no idea how to act as a boyfriend, no idea how to turn women on, how to have good sex. None of that. I feel like any relationship I'd get into would be a total train wreck. Not just that, but a train wreck in which I'd have to constantly prove myself to the other person. I'm not good enough, so I have to prove it to women.
I also fear that I'll end up marrying the first person who ever agrees to date me longer than a month. And I'll end up being miserable because she'll be a total mismatch with me, etc. And I guess a big part of me feels cheated. I never had that cool college experience (though I admit I had a fun time) you know where you meet a sweet girl and you go to movies or ball games or dinners out. I feel like that's a big part of why I haven't been able to grow up. I feel like a younger man emotionally, and I can't grow up.
I don't know, it sounds like I'm rambling. And I kind of am. I just want to get these thoughts out there and I don't feel like editing today.