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I'm Still Here, and Still Inexperienced

So it's been about seven and a half months since I last posted.  Not much has changed.  I'm still unemployed and completely unsure about what to do with my life.  I've still never kissed a girl and I haven't been on a date in over a year and a half.

Online dating has sucked royally.  I haven't met anyone and nobody really responds whenever I write to them.  And whenever I see women out and about I'm way to nervous to talk to them.  Ugh, such is life.

On the plus side though I think I've learned some things about myself.  I think I still have oneitis for the girl I met back in college who I hung out with a lot.  I think the fact that I haven't heard from her in two years plays a big part in that.  I can pretty much romanticize her because she doesn't exist in any discernible reality of mine.  That, and of course she has no competition from anyone else.

I've also learned that I'm particularly attracted to "brown" women.  You know, Indian, Middle Eastern, even some Asian and Hispanic women.  Something about skin, hair, differences in culture, sometimes even accents just turns me on.  It's very rare that I find myself drawn to white women or black women in the ways that I'm almost always drawn to brown women.  I don't mean any of this in a racist or fetish-type way though.  It's just what I'm attracted to.  On Okcupid, I have my search settings set to Indian and Middle Eastern women all the time.  Even when I look up porn that's what I search for (as a side note, almost all "Arab" women in porn are from France and almost all the scenes involve anal sex which I find to be totally gross).

So I don't know.  Here I am, inexperienced and with a very narrow subset of women that I find attractive.  Maybe it's hopeless for me, but maybe it isn't.

free falling without direction, or "random thoughts"

So, it's again been a while (like what, 8 months?) since I've written another post.  I haven't been busy, I've just been lazy.  Like, really lazy.  I've been doing nothing but surfing the internet, playing video games, and watching TV.

First things first, I quit my job back in May.  I was done.  Burnt out, the pay was low, my boss was leaving, it was summertime, I needed a break.  Unfortunately my break has been far too long.  It doesn't help of course that I've sort of had a revelation or conversion experience (of a political rather than religious nature) and the career path I wanted to pursue is no longer something I can truly go into with a clean conscience.  So here I am basically without any sense of direction in where I want to go.  And with that hopeless feeling has come laziness. I haven't applied to a job in over a month, I don't even check my email for job statuses anymore, I'm just bleh right now.

As far as dating goes, I'm pretty much exactly where I was when I started this blog and exactly where I was the last time I posted.  I met a few girls on my basketball team, two were pretty cute but nothing happened for a variety of reasons (mostly because I'm pretty gutless about women and dating).  A girl I used to work with gave me her phone number back in the summer, we made plans to meet up and have something to eat or whatever but whenever I made plans she always came up with some excuse as to why she couldn't make it.  Eventually I just stopped trying and cut off contact.  I've also de-activated my Okcupid account.  It wasn't doing anything for me and it felt hopeless.  A friend of mine claimed he wanted to set me up with some girl he knew, but that never materialized and I don't even want to deal with it anymore anyway.

So here I am, approaching my 24th birthday, single, a virgin (and kissless), unemployed and living at my parents house.  I'm about as far away from where I want to be as is humanly possible.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes...

It's been a long while since I've updated this.  School is kind of tough this semester (as I type this I am already late for class) so I've been focusing a lot of my time on school and family issues (nothing that serious).

Anyway, the last post I made was about the girl from Okcupid that I went on a date with.  We met up again (surprisingly) for coffee a week later.  We talked for a while and I gave her a hug goodbye.  She told me we should meet up again and that she was "very flexible" in terms of meeting up etc.

Well, I asked her out for a third date which she agreed to.  She then cancelled the day of the date, then agreed to reschedule.  When I called her to reschedule she never answered her phone nor called back.  A few days later she blocked me from facebook and then deleted her Okcupid account.  I assume that means she's not interested.

So, here I am again, back at square one.  Only one girl has responded back to me on Okcupid since then, a girl who has also since deleted her account.  And now of course, spring is here and all the girls are looking nice and wearing dresses, skirts etc.  And of course I am still single and completely dateless.  In less than a month I will be completely done with school, how then will I meet women and get dates?  The last few days I have been feeling really pathetic and lonely.  Between this and my job search I feel like things are just hopeless.

Same thing again

Well, I went on that date.  We talked but not really about each other, and I did most of the talking (not on purpose though).  Things ended pretty much the way they ended the last time I went on a date: vague promises of getting together again but no sizzle or chemistry.  I think she was cute and fairly interesting, problem is I don't think she was interested in me.  Which is fine, no one is required to be interested in me, but I mean come on, someone has got to be interested in a guy like me.  I'm fairly attractive, smart, educated, I've got friends and I'm genuinely a nice person (i.e. I don't kill kittens or deal drugs).  What I'm looking for is someone who can say the same about themselves.  I'm really not that picky, most of them women I've been on dates with people have told me were well within my league.  So, tell me folks, what gives?

Completely Disgusted

So, in an effort to get myself out of this situation I joined an online dating site several months ago, one of the free ones.  After writing several messages and hearing back only occasionally, I finally managed to find one girl on there willing to meet up.  We arranged to meet but had to reschedule due to legitimate scheduling concerns (on both our parts) and I'll spare you all the details mostly in an effort to stay anonymous.  We have managed to tentatively agree to a new date, and hopefully everything works out.

One thing that worries me however.  In the days leading up to the original day of the date I found myself hyping this up way more than it needed to be.  She's cute and sounds interesting, but I can't really tell if we have chemistry or if we'd be a really good fit or any of that.  Yet here I was thinking "hey, maybe this is my lucky break".

I'm disgusted.  I'm disgusted that this would only be my second date in over 18 months.  I'm disgusted to know that if it doesn't work out with this girl I'm going to be back to square one, and will probably take another 6 months to a year to go out on another date.  I'm disgusted that I'm hardly ever assertive around women, I'm disgusted that I get so dejected so quickly, assuming that girls are disinterested when in fact they might very well be interested.

I know I don't have much of a following on here, but if anyone reading this can relate or has any advice feel free to comment.  I'd really appreciate it.

Three Reasons I'm Where I am Today

This is one of those posts where I go into my past to try to figure out why I've somehow made it to age 22 without any real experience with women.  Looking back I think I can pinpoint three distinct instances that have directly contributed to my current predicament.

1)  Freshman year of high school: In one of my classes freshman year the teacher gave us assigned seating by alphabetical order and my seat ended up being next to a girl we'll call "Jackie".  Me and Jackie hit it off fairly well and were pretty friendly.  At the end of the first quarter the teacher allowed us to change seats and sit wherever we wanted.  My friends came over and sat next to me, however Jackie stayed in the same seat next to me, even though her friends wanted her to sit near them.  Despite all of this, and some other signs that she was giving that she was interested, I did nothing.  Why? Well two reasons, one, I guess I was shy and the other (stupidest reason in the whole world) was because both of us would not be going to the same school the next year.  Jackie's parents were moving to another part of the county, and boundary changes were forcing me and other kids in my neighborhood to attend a different school the next year.  So in my stupid mind it meant that I shouldn't even bother dating her because after the year is over we would never see each other again.  Keep in mind I was only 14, there's no reason to be having these thoughts at 14/15 years old.  Boy was I stupid.  Had I at least dated her, I probably would have gotten some experience (kissing, dating, etc. not sex though) and would not have these hangups that I now have.

2)  Senior year of high school:  I went through my first three years of high school without any drama...then came senior year.  There was this incredibly good looking girl in my homeroom who would always stare at me (or seem to stare at me).  Well one day I took it upon myself to go over and talk to her (I had balls back then).  Eventually, I got her number and asked her out.  She gave me one of those canned non-answer answers (I think her phrase was "we'll see") that I knew from the get-go was a no.  So, I took it and went on with my life.  Well, a girl I knew (not really a friend but not really an acquaintance either) who we'll call "Debbie" also knew the girl I asked out.  During study hall Debbie interrogated me, asking me why I asked out that girl what I thought we had in common etc.  To me, I just asked the girl out because she seemed interesting and she was good looking, I wasn't looking to get married or anything, just wanted to go out on a date.  Unfortunately, Debbie made me feel like I had no right to ask out the other girl and no right to think that she might have been interested in going out with me.  My self-esteem took a hit, I felt like if I ever again asserted myself around women or expressed interest in someone as more than a friend then girls would be creeped out.  And so I stupidly thought the best thing would be to wait until a girl shows overwhelming interest in me before I make any moves.  Again, dumb...

3)  Junior year of college:  Now this one was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.  I met a girl in my regional studies class who we'll call "Becky".  When I first met Becky we talked for about 10 minutes or so and then went our separate ways and didn't talk again for another six weeks (I guess we were both playing hard to get).  Then, one day out of the blue she sat behind me in class and we chatted and flirted (I teased her a lot and she teased back) and then we exchanged emails/phone numbers so that we could get together and study for the exam that was going to take place the next week.  The day we were supposed to study she canceled so I made plans to go online for the study session with the TA that was supposed to happen the day after me and Becky were supposed to study (the whole entire class was supposed to do this study session).  As soon as I got on the computer my phone rang, it was Becky.  She and I talked for about 20 minutes, and not once about the test (again flirting etc.).  Then, the kicker, the next day (the day of the exam) class was divided into two parts: part one was the exam then a break and then part two would be lecture.  After part one was over Becky asked me to take a walk with her which I did.  Then after class was totally over she asked me to hang out with her.  At that point I had to pinch myself (metaphorically) because this kind of stuff had never happened to me before.  This kind of thing kept up for the next few weeks and on into the next semester.  But, despite the fact that I made myself perfectly clear about how I felt about her, she too gave me non-answer answers, her phrase being "it's complicated" or "we'll see what happens".  At first I dismissed this as being cultural (she was Arab and Muslim and not originally from the U.S.) but eventually I realized it was because she just wasn't interested in any relationship with me.  After this experience I became very bitter and sour towards women generally avoiding them but always wondering what it would actually be like to have a girlfriend.  This last experience makes me generally suspicious of women.

I know this whole post is a lot to read and maybe I need professional help but it's here anyway.  And I have other experiences with women beyond these three although again nothing serious.  The first situation is the only one where I feel like I could have changed the outcome the other two just make me feel awful inside whenever I think of them, especially the last one.  So, what's the verdict, am I completely screwed in the head or have I just had some bad luck?