Sunday, November 9, 2014

Head Games

Yup.  Just like the Foreigner song.

I've neglected to post for almost two weeks now.  I've been a bit busy and a little downtrodden about the events that I chronicled in my last post.  But I'm here to post again.  Still not about anything wonderful though.

At this point, I honestly think I need to bundle some of these posts and label them "the Becky files" or "the Becky problem".  Because out of all the things that I've written on, I've probably written about her the most.

As you may remember from my last post, Becky (just want to remind everyone that this is not her real name) said "love you" to me at the end of a chat online.  It was an amazing moment of my life, and extremely shocking to me.  She backpedaled the next day when I probed a bit further, which is always the story with Becky: one step forward, two steps back.

Since then, she gave me her phone number, which I called using the Skype app (which is a lot cheaper than calling straight up using your cell phone), and we've talked four times on the phone.  They were the usual great conversations we've always had.  Reminded me of my college years to be honest.  But I recognize one thing: she doesn't feel the same way about me, and that is a fact that is unlikely to ever change.

To clarify, it's not like I ever really thought she would fall in love with me.  She didn't when we lived in the same state and went to the same college, it's even harder for that to happen when thousands of miles separate you.  I've kind of already made my peace with that.  The real mystery going on five years now is why I find myself unable to walk away.

It's not like I'm not accustomed to liking women that don't like me back.  That's a fairly common occurrence with me.  The thing is I'm always able to let go and move on.  The women I've liked or went on dates with in the past, I'm really not longing to be with them.  Yet with Becky it's the opposite.  No matter what I try, be it no contact, space, just thinking about the things I don't like about her (which is practically nothing), I just find myself unable to let her go, despite knowing (intellectually) that nothing is going to happen between us, and despite not seeing her for four years.  And I think I've discovered why.

She seems like she really cares about me.

She will compliment me, encourage me, share things about herself with me, ask me my opinion, ask me how my day is going or how my life is going.  Whenever we talk on the phone or online I never get the feeling that she's in a hurry to go.  She has never asked me for anything.  Not once.  When we were in college we basically split expenses (I paid sometimes, she paid other times).  There are people who have told me that she's only into me so that she could come to the US for citizenship and then bleed me dry.  Becky is smart, she knows that all she has to do is say the word and I'd meet her at the airport with a bouquet of flowers and a ring, yet she doesn't.  If she asked me for some money to help her (she definitely needs it) I'd send it.  Yet she never asks.  Either she genuinely cares about me, or she's the world's biggest saint.

Now I know a lot of you will say "that's just what friends do".  And I get it, but I have friends.  Friends I've known for years, great friends.  None of them have acted towards me the way she does and did when she lived here.  All of the "signals" they tell you are signs that a girl likes you, she displayed.  The hair twirling, the sitting close to you, the crossing her legs towards you, the laughing at all your jokes and smiling like the Cheshire Cat, mentioning specific things she wants to do with you (and then actually following through on it).  All of that, plus the things I've already mentioned made me think something might be there.  Yet there isn't anything there.  Hence the title.

I'm incredibly lucky that she is such an angel, otherwise I'd be totally fucked (pardon my language).  And to be quite honest the next girl I meet might not be so noble.  And that's the really depressing part.  Am I really such a sap that all you have to do to hook me in is say some nice things to me and act like you care?  Will this ever come back to bite me?  Will my hangups about Becky inhibit my ability to develop romantic relationships with other women?  Should I just go ahead and see a therapist about this?

These are all things I've been thinking about since 2 PM yesterday.

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