Sunday, June 15, 2014

Apparently Some People Think I Hate Them

 And I don't.  Well I dislike some people, but I guarantee you that they aren't the people who think I hate them.  It's one of those odd things about me: I have a cool, steely, demeanor and I look like I'm a self-assured person who knows what he's doing in life.

The reality: I don't know jack shit about what I'm doing or where I'm going and my self esteem is made of the most fragile glass you could find.  Probably the glass that Solyndra made those solar panels out of.  You know, the ones that broke when it rained.

That cool steely demeanor and tough outer shell is what protects me from being vulnerable.  Protects me from having people find out that I'm a piping hot mess who feels like he couldn't get a date if he was the last guy on earth.

It's the reason this blog is anonymous.  I would feel embarrassed beyond all measure if any of my friends, family or people I interacted with daily knew this side of me.  The side that struggles with women, who wonders what the hell is wrong with him, feels like he failed at life.

Does this hold me back?  Possibly.  But it wasn't always like this.  I used to be pretty carefree about the whole thing.  When you're young you tend to think like that.  Things will sort of magically take care of themselves when you're an adult.  Of course you'll have a good job, of course you'll get a girlfriend, of course you'll travel the world, or whatever else you'd like to do.  How will these things happen?  Who knows, they just will.

So trust me, I don't hate you.  I probably think you're cute but I'm afraid if I talk to you and try to get to know you one of two things will happen: 1) I'll develop feelings for you which you won't reciprocate and then I'll feel badly about myself again or 2) you'll think I'm creepy and will start to avoid me.

It's a vicious cycle, one I'd like to break out of someday.

I'd like to give a shout out to BrownGirlBloggin for mentioning me in her recent blog post.  She's got a great blog over there, so be sure to check it out.  I've got a bit more traffic the last couple of days which I'm sure was due to her (as usual though, these new readers are wont to refrain from commenting on my posts, don't be shy people).  

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