One More Time About the Damn Friendzone

I swear this topic is like 3-4 defense vs the 4-3.  So many people throwing out supposedly "enlightened", "intelligent" analysis of it, without actually understanding what the hell their actually analyzing.  The latest example can be found here on Jezebel.  Another person who just doesn't get it.

Here's the deal: the "friendzone" is nothing but a situation in which one party has sexual and/or romantic feelings for the other party which that other party doesn't reciprocate.  The reason it is referred to as a "zone" is that the other person is pretty much never going to feel that way about you.  Maybe someone somewhere has turned platonic feelings into romantic ones, but it pretty much never happens.  You're better off trying to win the lottery.

Now, the above doesn't sound too controversial.  It's just unrequited love, right?  Well, yes and no.  There are some "issues" that sometimes arise in such situations.  Sometimes, Person A realizes that Person B likes them (likes them likes them) and figures out that they could manipulate those feelings for their own personal gain.  You know, like get you to buy them stuff or watch their cat for them, or help them move furniture, etc.  And they never reciprocate, nor do they ever plan to.  When you need to bum a ride because your car broke down they are nowhere to be found (conveniently).

On the other end of the spectrum is the situation in which Person B likes Person A, and because of that can't really be "just friends" with them.  It's at this point where a lot of observers (women, mostly) get offended.  They feel like this person (if they are indeed a good person) should be able to put their feelings aside and be a good friend, otherwise it displays entitlement attitude and shows that they don't see them as a person (aka the "friendzoned man" is a secret sexist).  It's at this point I have to roll my eyes.

I'm going to be honest, if I like you, and you don't like me, it's going to be extremely difficult for me to be a good friend to you.  I don't mean that I"m going to trash talk about you or belittle you or whatever, I mean I'm not going to want to spend time with you.  At least for a little while.  It's too painful, especially if you end up dating someone else and you start bringing them along on group gatherings or talk about them to me or others around me.  At the moment the emotions are too raw for me to put those aside and carry forth with a normal friendship as if I had never had those feelings.  Eventually?  Yeah most likely.  But certainly not at first.  And you're going to have to get over that.  Emotions are not logical, they don't make sense they don't always end up being polite or kind.  If that offends you, well, you're going to have a hard time getting on in this world.

I guess I should mention the PUA aspect of this.  What's happened is that a mythos has developed about the friendzone.  The idea being that you only end up in the friendzone if you do things "wrong" in your interactions with women.  And that if you start doing things "right" you'll never end up there.  The reality is that there is a kernel of truth there.  Some men don't make their interest known and as a result some women think that these men aren't interested and move on.  Either they start dating someone else or they don't develop feelings for these men when they might otherwise have if their feelings had been known from the beginning.  PUAs get the rest wrong, but that piece right there is pretty spot on.

Now, maybe I hang out with the wrong crowd (or the right one, depending on your perspective) but I've never had a guy tell me that he had hung out with a girl or spent hours on the phone with her or spend lots of money on her and felt like she "owed" him sex or a relationship.  Not once.  Not even in high school.  And if a guy ever did tell me that, I'd tell him he was a moron beyond any comprehensible level.  That's a fact. And I've known some pretty douchey people in my time, let me tell you.

This is part and parcel of one of the fascinating things I've witnessed on the internet.  This strange idea that any guy who complains about not being able to get a date or how no woman likes him, must be a sexist (either overtly or covertly).  It's as if these people haven't stepped outside their homes to see what kind of men many women are dating now (and likewise what kind of women men are dating).  Take a tour of your local women's abuse shelter and it will dispel the myth that sexist men can't get dates (assuming that "dateless losers" are in fact sexist).

Yes, women and men can be friends.  Sometimes they can be genuine friends even if one party has romantic feelings for the other.  But, it's not always easy for some people.  And yes, sometimes a guy might be in the "friendzone" and have no interest in being there.  For any number of legitimate, non-sinister reasons.  Do us all a favor, and stop trying to make the friendzone thing about something it isn't.

The Continued Allure of Online Dating

Like most people, when I'm not satisfied with a good or service, I stop purchasing it.  You know, you go to a restaurant, the food sucks, or the tables are always dirty, or the service is lacking.  You don't go back.  It's a pretty typical process.  Yeah sure, sometimes you go get a refund, but the point is you don't make that same mistake again.

For me, and so many others I'd imagine, online dating defies that simple logic laid out above.  I have been nothing but dissatisfied and disappointed in dating sites over the past 4 years.  I rarely get replies, rarely get dates, and obviously no relationships, so they could hardly be said to be worthy of my continued participation and support.

And yet, I keep using them.  Not just using them, but joining more of them.  Desperately seeking out more avenues in an effort to find what I'm looking for.  I've used (or am using): Tinder, POF, Okcupid, Zoosk, Match, Chemistry, Howaboutwe, datehookup, mingle2, and some college singles site that I've only been on once because it was too confusing.  The real puzzle is why?  Why can't I just stop using dating sites?  Is it an addiction (similar to the so-called "porn addiction" that so many young men are supposed to have)?  What is it?

I think I have an answer.  At least for me.

Online dating sites provide a database of sorts.  A database of single people, with some photos, general description of themselves, and general geographic location and somewhat of an assurance that not only are these people single, but they are at least interested enough in a relationship to post a profile online.  Plus, since you're both on a dating site, the assumption is you're interested in romance, not platonic friendship.  No awkward "I didn't know you liked me" situations.

If you're not good at dating and flirting and all of that, being on a dating site is almost like being in college again.  You have lots of potential dating prospects all at your fingertips.

Unfortunately though, that doesn't translate into good results.  For a variety of reasons that plenty of other people have pointed out in other publications.  I'm not blaming the sites themselves.  I've joined enough of them to realize that the problem is me, not the sites.

But, here I am, on a Sunday morning, drinking coffee and scrolling through POF hoping that I can get somebody decent to go on a date with me.

So far, not so good.

2013: A Year in Review

Ah, another lousy year for me.  I don't know how your's was, but I can add another 12 months to my pathetic existence.

The year started out with a funeral.  One of my good friends from college had a parent pass away.  I won't say which parent so as to not give this away, and the passing wasn't sudden, it was the end of a long illness.  So not surprising, but sad nonetheless.

February and March saw me really start to kick it into high gear with the fitness stuff.  Those were some pretty critical months since the winter is when I tend to crave carbs and loathe cardio more than normal.

In April I went to a fundraising event for a local tutoring company.  The company I work for was a sponsor so I had to make the rounds and be sociable.  Met a woman there, who was cute, but drunk.  I gave her my business card when she asked for it but I obviously never heard from her again.  For the best I suppose.

In May I went on the first date I'd been on since early 2011.  Met her from a dating site.  We had coffee in her neighborhood (which was a trek for me) and had a relatively nice time.  But, as I made my way home she emailed me on the website to tell me she wasn't interested in seeing me further.  You win some you lose some I guess.  Nice girl, shame it didn't work out.  I also saw Iron Man 3 in May.  An ok movie, but like Iron Man 2, nowhere near as good as the first movie.  The whole Avengers subplot has kind of ruined some of the Marvel movies I think.

June and July were pretty uneventful.  Went to some ball games, did some stuff, but nothing too spectacular.

August: saw The Wolverine.  Great movie, highly recommend it, especially now since it's out on DVD and BluRay.  I also got a job.  Started out well, but then got really shitty.  That's life I suppose.

September: had a great time at two ballgames.  Including one in which I got to take several friends with me.

October: went to the first Halloween party I've ever been to.  A lot of driving, and it was great to see my friends.  But it wasn't like I met any women or anything.

November: quit my shitty job, went back to my old one (with a raise at least).  Joined a new gym (which is a great gym by the way).

December: went to my friend's birthday dinner, got some good Christmas presents.  That's about it.

I'm still inexperienced.  Just FYI.  If any ladies want to kiss me I'm certainly down.  Just a kiss (maybe make out if you want to, but I'm just looking to have my first kiss).  I'd like to kiss a girl by the end of the year.  Which gives me what, a couple of days to get that done?  Ugh.

So, how was your year?  Shitty like mine?  Better than mine?  Did you actually kiss anyone? Let me know.

Question Time

So I've been dipping into my mail bag searching for good questions (as always, email me your questions at theinexpguy@gmail.com) and the one that pops up the most is "why are you so negative?".

Well, let me explain why.  I might not be the most experienced guy out there, but I've learned a few things here and there by observing people and relationships.  Granted, that can only teach you so much, but it reveals some things and can be very insightful.

People are shitty.  Not just in how they treat others, but also how they treat themselves.  I've seen men fall all over themselves trying to keep their wife or girlfriend happy even though they'd probably be better off ditching the situation.  I've seen women stick with true assholes despite the fact that they could get any man in the world.  And when I talk about "asshole" behavior, I'm not talking about "he didn't call at 5 pm like he said he would, he called at 5:15", I'm talking about things like he cheated or beat you up, or is a drunk deadbeat who got pulled over 3 times already for a DUI.

Obviously, it's the latter part that truly truly sticks in my crawl.  I can't tell you how many guys I've seen or heard about who have a truly great girlfriend or wife, but somehow feel the need to cheat on her.  And then, bizarrely, the woman in question invariably takes him back (often with excuses).  I mean you have got to be fucking kidding me.  That piece of trash can get multiple women pining for him and I'm lucky if I get a date once a year?  That's the kind of stuff that really bothers me.  And it's why I often don't bother approaching women because I feel like I'm not that guy.  I'm not going to cause you drama or cheat on you or whatever and that makes me boring, it makes me not a challenge and not a good catch.  It doesn't matter how much we have in common or how good looking I may or may not be, I'm just not the kind of guy that inspires that kind of real attraction.

In fact, it's not just inspiring attraction.  I have a hard time getting women to want to go out on a date, talk on the phone, skype, etc.  It's really like pulling teeth.  I've never asked for naked pics, never sent naked pics, and on all my messages on dating sites I offer more than just a "hey how are you?" type of message.  I always feel like I'm an annoyance rather than welcome attention.  Maybe if I was more of an asshole, or more of a threat to cheat or whatever I'd have better luck.

I know some of you will shake your head at this.  And that's fine.  I understand I have a small sample size, etc.  But it's an undeniable fact that I'm still single, as I have been for my entire adult life, and I've yet to meet a real douchey guy who had trouble getting dates.  So if you want to know why I'm so negative, that's why.

As always feel free to email, comment, tweet me, submit questions via facebook or tumblr.

A Rather Negative Post

I recently had a conversation with someone over relationship/romantic inexperience.  I revealed that I had not kissed a girl and I was 25 years old, and how they would feel about a hypothetical 25 year old kissless virgin.

Her reaction was something along the lines of "whoever you end up with one day will find it sweet that she's your first kiss", etc.

I'm sorry, I have to say it's bullshit.  Most women my age expect an experienced man.  Not necessarily a sex god of some sort, but that he at least knows what he's doing when it comes to kissing, holding hands, being in a relationship, etc.  I know because I've had women tell me as much.  If a woman finds out a guy has never kissed she'll head for the hills as quickly as humanly possible.

I know, I know, not every single woman would react that way.  There might be a handful here or there who are sexually inexperienced themselves (for various reasons) who might prefer inexperienced men, but honestly that's so few and far between.  We're talking about most women, and by "most" I mean somewhere along the lines of 90% or more.

I appreciate words of encouragement, or at least, I appreciate the motivation behind them.  But, I really don't like people who want to give me (or anyone else) false hope.  I know being older and inexperienced is weird.  I know it turns women off a lot.  I don't need you telling me some girl will find it "sweet".  Let's be real here: ain't no one going to find that sweet.

Race and Dating Post #985 (or something)

Anyone who has read this blog understands that I don't have this problem, but really, is there something inherently evil about wanting to date your own race?  

I ask this because it's a recurring theme I read on the popular blog Nice Guys of Okcupid.  It's supposedly a sign of douchbaggery if you say on your profile that you'd strongly prefer to date someone of your own race or ethnicity.  

Now, I get it.  It's great to be open minded and open to dating anyone.  It really is.  And obviously me being strongly into non-white women I can't imagine strongly preferring to date someone from my own ethnic background.  But, lots of people have all kinds of standards.  Hair color, height, income level, education, political views, musical tastes, drinking vs non-drinking lifestyle, religion, why is it any less legitimate to prefer someone of your own racial background?  

I know the obvious answer is that such an attitude is merely a dog whistle for racism.  I'm not convinced though.  Sure, some people might just be racist, but a lot of people are just not attracted to people from different races.  And obviously some people aren't attracted to their own race.  It's the differences that make this world great.  

From what it looks like Nice Guys of Okcupid has a bit of an ideological bent.  So perhaps this is just a result of someone grinding an ax.  But I want to know: is there anything wrong with preferring to date your own race?  Or even preferring to date other races?  

I'm just not seeing the boogie man here.  But maybe I'm not seeing something...

For Those Starting or Going Back to School

Well, I've decided on the book I'm going to write.  It's going to be an advice book for young people, in particular those going off to college (so either 18 year old high school graduates or slightly older people getting ready to transfer from community college to a four year university).  I hope to have it finished and available for sale by March or April 2014.  So we'll see what happens.

For now, I"ll give you guys just a taste of what that book will contain with this post, which as far as I'm aware is the first time on this blog where I will dispense advice rather than solicit it.  In honor of this being the first day of school for many students, I'm going to give some advice for high school and college kids.

High School:

If you're a Freshman, just make it through.  Get good grades, have fun enjoy yourself.  This is about as awkward a time you will have in high school.  Don't sweat it, most people won't remember half the stuff they did Freshman year and the other half will find it amusing.

Sophomores and Juniors: continue to get good grades.  Don't take too many AP classes or join too many clubs or play every sport just because you think it will look good on your college resume.  Just join the ones you care about.  Pay attention in English class, even if you hate the books you have to read, knowing what they're about is a pretty good thing to know and the ability to write is a crucial skill.

Seniors: this is the best time you'll have in high school.  For me, I had early release everyday (getting out at 2 instead of 3:30 was great) and finally had a good circle of friends and teachers who knew and liked me (and not in the "suckup" kind of way either).

For all of you, I suggest not getting too caught up in any guys or girls.  If you find one you like, cool.  If not, it's no big deal.  You'll meet a lot more people as you grow up.

College:

I know it's a little late for some of you guys reading this, since most US schools started about 2-3 weeks ago.  Assuming anyone is reading this.  Interestingly enough, most of the advice I gave to high schoolers applies to you too.

Don't be so uptight, don't take yourself too seriously, and don't worry about sex.  Also, most people you meet aren't half as confident as they appear to be.  So don't be intimidated by them.  Join some fun sounding clubs (like tennis club for example) and just relax.  It's an easier time than high school for sure.