An Update of Sorts

I've gotten two comments on my things that limit you post.  Both commenters suggested I get a job and move out (with a roommate if necessary).  So I'd like to lay out exactly where I am with all of this.

In the spring of 2012 I was given a tremendous opportunity by a friend of mine.  He wants to start a business  that essentially caters to my skill set.  He's lined up two sponsors so far and we've got a lot of the basics up and running.  It's a great opportunity in the sense that I'd be immediately be in a senior position with creative input and schedule flexibility, seniority, etc.

Here's the problem: we're not profitable right now.  We might never be.  I have to essentially treat it as a full time job in the meantime though if we want a chance at success.  It might be a year or even two years before we make any kind of serious money (if we ever do).  Yes, in the meantime I can get a part time job to bring in some money but if I try to seriously make a go of this business it's going to take some time and patience.  I'm not exactly sure I can wait that long to get my first kiss, first sex, etc.  Maybe I can, but I think I'm already going insane.

So here's the rub: do I commit myself to this without any guarantee it will work out?  What if in two years I'm a 27 year old guy without any full time work experience or (for the purposes of this blog) relationship experience?  While I'm trying to make this work do I forget about dating and women?

I really do want this business to work, and I really think it can.  It's just going to take some hard work and some time.  But I'm torn.  I see women when I'm out in the store or running errands and I feel bad.

So I don't know.  I guess I'm stuck.

Bitterness, Etc.

I think I've reached a point in life where I don't have the will to keep trying at dating and relationships.  Some of this is due to bitterness, and some of this is because I just don't have confidence in myself.

First I'll tackle the bitterness.

I anonymously follow a few blogs written by women, some of whom I know, some of whom I don't know, I just stumbled upon their blogs on random google searches on various topics.  I also poke around dating sites from time to time.  On both of these platforms I constantly see statements like "all I want is a nice guy" or "I hate being single" or "POF is full of creeps", or some variation of these statements.  And all I can do is think to myself "bullshit, you want a guy who is nice but is also everything else you dream of in the world".  A "gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets" so to speak.  This faux victim status these women want to claim that essentially dating is oh so hard for women but a walk in the park for men (something I'm sure comes from listening to too many Taylor Swift songs) makes me resent them.  And it makes me bitter.

I also feel not good enough.  Partly this has to do with looks: I'm balding, and still out of shape (even though I'm in much better shape than I was 6 weeks ago), not exceptionally tall (I'm above average though), and I wear glasses.  But it's also more than that.  I'm light years from being self-sufficient (still living at home, still sharing a room with my brother), I drive an old non-fancy car (that still runs great and that I love), and probably most importantly I'm completely inexperienced at dating, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc.  I have no idea how to act as a boyfriend, no idea how to turn women on, how to have good sex.  None of that.  I feel like any relationship I'd get into would be a total train wreck.  Not just that, but a train wreck in which I'd have to constantly prove myself to the other person.  I'm not good enough, so I have to prove it to women.

I also fear that I'll end up marrying the first person who ever agrees to date me longer than a month.  And I'll end up being miserable because she'll be a total mismatch with me, etc.  And I guess a big part of me feels cheated.  I never had that cool college experience (though I admit I had a fun time) you know where you meet a sweet girl and you go to movies or ball games or dinners out.  I feel like that's a big part of why I haven't been able to grow up.  I feel like a younger man emotionally, and I can't grow up.

I don't know, it sounds like I'm rambling.  And I kind of am.  I just want to get these thoughts out there and I don't feel like editing today.

The Inexperienced Guy's Short Survey

Here's a short survey I'd like to ask readers.  I'd also like to ask readers to forward this to other people.  It's a favor to a friend of mine who's a data analyst.  It's sort of a study on American culture and views on dating, race, religion, and sex.  So, if you want to, you can fill this out and send it to theinexpguy@gmail.com.  Or just leave a comment on this post.  Just post the question numbers (no need to write them out) and then your answer.  E.g.: 1. male 24, etc.

Some people might be a little shy or care about their privacy so we've taken some pains to protect that with the questions.  If you wish to skip a question you can. 

1. What is your gender (male/female/other)?
2. What is your age? (*if uncomfortable listing your exact age please list one of these ranges: under 18, 18-25, 26-35, 36-45, 45+)
3. What race or ethnicity do you most identify with?
4. What are your religious views (if non-religious, spiritual, atheist, or agnostic please list that or if "other" please write "other")?
5. Would you ever dated someone from outside of your race or ethnic group?
             a) Have you ever done so in the past?
6. Would you ever date someone who did not share your religious views?
             a) Have you ever done so?
7. What are your views on pre-marital sex?
             a) Have you ever had pre-marital sex (sex before marriage)?
8. What are your views on casual sex (flings, one night stands, friends with benefits, etc.)?
             a) Have you ever had casual sex?
9. Do you drink alcohol?
             a) Have you ever drank alcohol?
10.Do you do any kind of recreational drugs?
             a) Have you ever done drugs?
11. Have you ever tried online dating?
             a) Would you consider doing so in the future?



That's it.  Hope to hear back from everyone real soon.

Dreams

Over the last several weeks I've had some recurring dreams, all involving that girl from college that I can't get over.

Last night the dream was that she needed some way to stay in America because her father was ill or something along those lines.  So she agreed to marry me to get permanent resident status for herself and her father.  I kissed her several times and then she jumped into bed...and then I woke up.

There have been other dreams with various premises.  The commonality among them is a) it involves the same girl and b) involves me kissing her repeatedly/making out with her.  Sex never takes place, though last night's dream got pretty close.

I think it's undeniable that I'm still pretty crazy about her.  But these dreams are driving me insane.  I wake up afterwards to the depressing reality that the dream was completely fictional.  And then of course I have the additional depressing reality that no woman since her has wanted to spend any more than 2 coffee dates with me.

I really have no idea.  I feel stuck in neutral.

Any thoughts?  I have been toying with the idea of going to a therapist, but it kind of gives me the heebie jeebies.  What do you readers think?

Ask the Inexperienced Guy! And, how about a book?

I've been away for a while.  A lot of stuff has happened since my last post.  I've applied for some jobs (no replies back yet), I'm still failing at online dating (and regular dating), and the Orioles made the playoffs!

Well anyway, there are two things I want to write about today.  One, I'd like to add an "ask the inexperienced guy" segment.  Just send me your questions on either twitter (@the_inexp_guy) or by email (theinexpguy@gmail.com).  Maybe you're dating an inexperienced guy or you think an inexperienced guy likes you or maybe you are an inexperienced guy and you just want to throw ideas off of me.  Hell, even general relationship questions, I'm surprisingly good at giving relationship advice that I don't ever need myself, sadly enough.  so no matter what I'll try to answer as best I can.

The other thing is that I've started writing a book on this subject.  I hope it can serve as a guide for people who are friends with or family members of inexperienced guys and want to help.  Or maybe for teenagers or people in their early twenties who want to know what pitfalls to avoid.  So, I'd like to see if any readers on here have any ideas for what they'd like to see in a book about inexperienced men.  Personal stories?  Advice?  Something else?  And for the inexperienced ladies, you can send me your ideas too but since I'm a guy I'm not sure how much justice I can  do to the subject of inexperienced women.  I'll help in any way I can but I can't promise anything.

So anyway, that's all for today.  Just send me any questions you have and I'll be happy to try and answer them.

On Real Dolls and "Misogyny"

This isn't really a recent issue, but one that has fascinated my morbid sense of curiosity: Real Dolls.

For those who don't know what they are, just google it.  I'm not going to link it here because I'm just too lazy to do so.  They're basically sex toys made into life size dolls.  Google it in conjunction with feminism and you will find quite a few critiques on them.

The general issue women and feminists have with Real Dolls is that they are fully customizable, realistic(ish) looking dolls (sometimes even semi-functioning robots).  It's depressing that men would be content or would even prefer the company of these "cum receptacles" over real life human beings who can interact with them beyond just sex.

All of those are very good points.  But if you watch the BBC documentary Guys and Dolls I don't think that's the reality.  Almost all of the men featured in that program (aside from Davecat) they are all older, socially awkward men who I believe are not "choosing" the dolls over the women.  They are simply taking the only option available to them.  One guy for example cited an instance in which he thought a woman was asking him on a date, but all she wanted was for him to babysit her kids (if ever there was a time to feel at absolute lowest, that's the time).

This is a point that women and feminist critics fail to comprehend.  But it's not necessarily a gender issue, I think most men can't comprehend it either.

When a person goes their entire lives or a very large portion of it without physical proximity to the sex they are attracted to (whether for sex or just holding hands, etc.) there does end up being a sense of longing.  It's not in this case about getting one's rocks off (which would be a much simpler and easier problem to solve) it's about companionship.  Being able to sit on a couch and watch a movie or a TV show, or sharing a bed with one's lover (even without sex).  Consumers of these dolls are looking for that in their lives, and for whatever reason (usually shyness or social awkwardness) they have been unable to do so.  So they fix it in the only way available to them.  Most, I believe, would much rather have a living breathing woman in their lives but have given up on the possibility of this ever happening.  I fail to see any misogyny.

One only has to look at the monkey experiment from many years ago to see how real this is.  I'm not sure about the particulars of the experiment, but basically scientists gave an orphaned monkey a choice between a "mother" who was made of metal but had lots of food and water available and a "mother" that had little or no food but was made of cloth/much easier to cuddle to.  The monkey chose the cloth mother, proving that attachment is more than about who satisfies your biological needs and urges.

I cringe when I hear about or see this documentary.  It's very sad.  But I wonder, if I was 45 or 50 and in my current situation (dateless, kissless, etc.) how tempting would these sex dolls be?  Young supple bodies, probably more realistic looking than they are now, no rejection, etc.  Would I be tempted?  Or would they still gross me out?

Food for thought for those who would cast stones.

Things that limit you

One of the things I've noticed over the past few months is that I've slowly withdrawn from my friends and extended social circle.  Not out of a desire to be a loner, I just don't want to deal with people right now.

For one, I don't like dealing with the "what are you up to?" question.  I've been doing nothing.  Literally.  I have another blog (which I won't link to, if you're a smart person you probably already read it) which I write for, I watch baseball on TV and I play a few video games, sometimes some porn, watch youtube videos and movies and that's about it.

I quit my job in May 2011 because I was quite unhappy with it.  Then I became a libertarian and decided I could never work for the federal government as I had previously wanted to (out of principle).  So, for the last year I've been stuck.  Totally stuck with no idea what to do with my life.  Having to tell people that you're an unemployed bum who wasted his college career having fun and half assing term papers, with no solid plans on where to go isn't a fun option.  And it's getting less fun by the day.

To my great consternation, I've realized this isn't likely to help me when it comes to dating.  I'm unemployed, live with my parents and I share a (very small) room with my brother.  I'm a complete loser.

I've spoken with and interacted online with people and discussed this very issue.  Almost all of them suggest focusing on getting a full time job/career going before worrying about dating.  The thing is though I'd like to be able to focus on both simultaneously.

Conceivably, it could be another 6 months to a year before I have a decent full time and my own place (even with roommates).  Should I/could I go that long without ever even kissing a girl?  I'm 24, how old will I have to get until things get really bad?

I don't know readers, what would you suggest?  Worry about a job, or getting some kind of dating life going?